Do you feel like all the what-ifs of life crush your hope in God? Yep, me too.

Remember that show Ally McBeal from the late 90’s? Or you may be too young to remember, you young thang you. I don’t remember much about the show – I can barely remember what I ate for breakfast – except that Ally would sometimes have scenarios play out in her mind of how a particular situation might turn out – usually devastatingly or embarrassingly. Then she would mentally snap back into reality.

I have moments like that.

My hope in God gets squashed as my mind takes me down paths of “OH MY GOODNESS WHAT IF THIS OR THIS OR THAT HAPPENS?!” Then I start to have a mini-panic attack over all the what-if, devastating scenarios… until God graciously helps me snap back into reality.

Last week He snapped me back with one, powerful sentence, “My grace will meet you there, Lara.”

I forget that. I forget that God promises grace for this day. And only this day. Just as He gave manna to the Israelites day by day, He gives exactly what we need day by day.

The Path to Hope in God

That’s why it’s a complete and utter waste of time to fret over tomorrow. Because God’s grace isn’t promised to us for tomorrow. It’s promised to us for today.

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

Matthew 6:34

Living in this day without worrying about tomorrow takes practice. It takes trials – trials through which God proves His faithfulness. It takes an active remembrance of the goodness of God.

I don’t know what you’re facing, but I can bet that because you live on this planet, there are some unknowns up ahead. And with unknowns come the temptation to panic.

It’s fine and human if we travel down the “what if” road for a minute. But let’s just make sure to follow it up with the greater reality, “God, I trust that even if _____ your grace will meet me there. And your grace will be sufficient.”

The post Facing unknowns? Hope in God. appeared first on Lara Howard.

I believe the things God says in the Bible. I’ve seen the promises of God be a loud “yes” and “amen” in my own life. But I’m an emotional person. Shout out to my Enneagram 3s and 4s. So sometimes when I read accounts in the Bible I have to pause to have a little emotional moment with God.

Like the other day. I was reading about David’s wives (<– another topic of conversation for another day) being captured. It’s in 1 Samuel 30 if you want to take a minute to read it. And here’s what got me all in a mini-tizzy.

Why allow painful things to happen?

David’s wives, along with all the other women and children in the city, were taken captive when David’s enemies raided. So when David and all the other warrior men got back from battle, the men were furious with David. They wanted to stone him. They blamed him. They were “bitter in soul” for their wives and children.

Hang with me.

It says that David “strengthened himself in the LORD his God” when everyone talked about killing him. And he asked God if God would give him favor to overtake the enemy and rescue the women and children. God said, “Pursue, for you shall surely overtake and shall surely rescue.” (1 Samuel 30:8)

Wait. What? This is what got me all worked me. WHY EVEN LET THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN BE TAKEN IN THE FIRST PLACE?! I was all, “Lord! If You knew You would give David favor to get the women and children back safely, why did You even let it happen in the first place?! Why not just NOT let all the drama take place?!”

Emotional much?

And it felt like God whispered to me, “Because, Lara, it’s through the process of life that you experience My promises.”

Pause and think on that for a minute. Because I had to.

It’s through the process of life we experience the promises of God.

Sure, God could have stopped the enemy from raiding David’s camp. He could have. He’s God. With everything in me I truly believe that the same God who spoke a word and worlds formed still reigns. And He can do an.y.thing He wants to do. So He could have stopped the raid. But He didn’t.

Because it’s through the process of life we experience the promises of God.

There are so many trials I’ve walked through in my life where I could say, “Lord, if you knew this would end up well in the end, why even allow it to happen.” But it’s through the process of walking through the trials by faith that I’ve been changed. It’s through the process that my faith has grown. It’s through the process that I’ve experienced God’s promises.

Without financial strain, would we truly experience God’s promise to provide?

Without the betrayal of man, would we truly experience the sufficiency of God’s acceptance through Christ?

Without human weakness and frailty, would we truly experience God’s promise of strength?

I had to sit with that thought for a bit. Because the process of life can be so hard. The process is often painful and something we would never have chosen.

But what if the process is the point. What if the process actually holds the promises of God, waiting to be poured out on us as we walk our journey by faith.

How about you? What promise of God are you experiencing as you walk through your own process of life?

The post Experiencing the Promises of God appeared first on Lara Howard.

I wrote this post about a month ago – before the month of May came onto the scene. And y’all. Talk about eating my own words.

A lot has been going on – relationally (I’ll tell you more later), physically (I tore my ACL and meniscus playing tennis on the 2nd and then had knee surgery on the 15th), emotionally (see the 2 previous reasons), financially (because bills and food), and spiritually (because big heaps of discouragement).

Today I remembered that this post was sitting quietly in “draft” format so I read it. And then after I cussed the me-from-last-month who only wanted to speak truth to the me-of-May, I remembered the hope. I remembered that if I knew all that my Father-God knew, I would have chosen this same month of May for myself. Lord, let hope arise.

I’m trying to get better about sharing the words of courage God graciously speaks. Life gets busy and it’s too easy to bury the words beneath all the things that “have to” get done.

But we’re all in this together. I need you to share the courage He gives you, and you need me to share the courage He gives me. It’s called the Body – the church. We’re not meant to run this race alone.

What if Discouragement is the Path to Hope

This morning I was reading 1 Samuel 1 and something hit me from that text that has never hit me before. (You can go read that first chapter really quickly if you want. I’ll wait right here.)

Here’s the thing that hit me. You ready for this one?

Hannah’s discouragement was part of the plan.

Before we get all, “God doesn’t cause bad stuff to happen. He’s God! He’s holy.” Yes, He is. He’s totally holy. He’s completely other-than. But we can probably all agree that His definition of ultimate good isn’t always our definition of ultimate good.

Consider a totally earthly, miniscule analogy. Exhibit A: I like Doritos. They taste “good.” But they ain’t gonna give this 40-ahem-something-year-old body what’s best. Therefore, even though I could quite possibly down an entire, Costco-sized bag, they aren’t good in the ultimate sense of good if I want to still fit into my jeans.

God does things similarly – or not really. His definition of good looks all the way into eternity. Which means that sometimes the things that don’t feel good are actually producing a greater good we can’t yet see.

Discouragement can Prepare us for His Plan

Back in 1 Samuel, if Hannah hadn’t arrived at the place of desperation described in chapter 1, would she have ever prayed like she prayed? Would she have ever vowed in complete desperation to give her child back to the Lord – a child that would become a prophet of God for the good of Israel?

I’m thinking no.

Y’all, that thought floored me. Because when you follow the line of reasoning, that means that the suffering she went through to reach that point of desperation was used/ordained/chosen by God in order to get her to the point of being willing to do what God had for her to do – give her first-born son back to God for a life of service to Him.

I’m way too whiny to embrace that truth sometimes. My life gets hard and all I want to do is complain. But what if what if the struggle or suffering we face is actually doing what God wants it to do. What if the suffering is taking us to a place of desperation so we can even have the perspective to pray for and be willing to follow God in whatever He has up ahead. A plan that could possibly affect not only our own lives but the lives of those around us in this world.

What if.

In love, God is always up to something more.

It doesn’t make the suffering less sucky. There are some major hard things we as humans face in this life. And God is so tender to our human pain. He understands and patiently ministers to us while we’re in the fog of despair – gently and faithfully and fatherly-like.

But maybe, remembering the bigger truths – like, in love, God is always up to something more than I can see – may possibly spark some hope. Because if God is actually good and doing good like He promised, even when life is far from what we dreamed, then there’s room for hope to rise up.

Post-script from the me-of-May. Y’all the pain of life is real. And when we’re in the midst of the desperation, it’s nearly impossible to see the goodness of God. That’s why we need one another.

We need to be honest about our soul struggles. We need to move past the Christian platitudes and be vulnerable. We have to move through the pain to reach the promises. Through it, not around it.

If you’re in a desperate place today, it’s you I’m praying for as I write these words. I ask that God would do what only He can do – make hope rise up within you.

The post Discouragement to Hope appeared first on Lara Howard.

Let’s talk about controversial things. Mmmm-k?

I don’t usually speak out online about controversial things because you can’t hear tone or see facial expressions and things can be misinterpreted. Too often online controversial conversations end as heated discussions that leave relational battle scars. (And since I’m a recovering people-pleaser, that makes me twitch.)

But as I observe the online world – Ahem. Facebook, dear Facebook. – I wanted to share three things that I try to remember before engaging in controversial conversations. Here’s to our online endeavors…

We vs. they verbiage breeds pride

We all do it. We have a “stance” about something and someone else doesn’t agree, so we draw harsh lines in the dirt. We vs. they. And then we start pointing and shouting and judging and demanding. I get it. We’re passionate about stuff. We believe with everything in us that we’re right and they’re wrong.

But regardless of what’s ultimately true, regardless, “we vs. they” verbiage breeds pride. It seems the more accurate verbiage for us as humans is us vs. HIM. Mere humans in relation to an almighty, holy, worthy, awesome, good God.

Remember that story in Joshua 5 when the angel approaches Joshua and Joshua asks, “Are you for us, or for our adversaries?” We vs. they. And the angel responds, “No; but I am the commander of the army of the Lord. Now I have come.” I love this because God didn’t pick human sides. He’s on His own side. His glory’s side. His love’s side. The question is, are we?

Jesus came and walked this earth to usher in freedom and healing. He came to lead us into fulness of joy. He came to set captives free. And when His path crossed someone who was caught up in sin and idolatry, He didn’t speak condemnation. (The world already stands condemned.) He spoke life and love. He said, “Come, follow Me. I’m the life you crave.”

I want that to be my demeanor. I fail a lot, but instead of shouting condemnation – that already lays heavy on this world – I want to be ever-increasing in my declarations of His goodness.

That said, there was one thing Jesus hated — despised. He despised hypocrisy. He hated when someone said they loved God with their lips while their heart was full of condemnation and pride. He hated it. And He spoke boldly to the people of God against this false understanding and representation of holiness.

Everything is grace. Everything we know about God. Everything we are because of Jesus. Everything we overcome. Everything. So, fellow Jesus-follower, let’s remember from where we came and the grace that covers us. Not “we vs. they” but rather “us before HIM.”

God’s glory is the point (not being right).

We have to remember the purpose of everything that we as Christ-followers do and say and think. This is me preaching to myself. The point is HIS glory. HIS glory. Not ours.

The point is not to be right or point fingers or shout louder. When our eyes slip off of God’s glory, we as humans can all-too-quickly turn into those who Jesus despised — pointy, proud hypocrites. And the watching world, who is in desperate need of hope and peace and forgiveness and love, will miss seeing Jesus because we’re standing in His way shouting condemnation.

Instead of hatred spewing from our lips, the state of our culture should so break our hearts that we can’t help but tenderly and lovingly pray for and be poured out for those who haven’t yet experienced life in Christ.

Our ultimate hope is God, not policy or politics.

I have dear friends who serve our nation politically. And I pray for them with high hopes that they will play a part in turning our country towards the Lord when it comes to the laws of the land. (Because God’s ways really are best. I mean, He made us so He knows what’s best for us.)

I’m thankful for those God calls to politically lead our nation. And yes, it’s good and important that we as Christians be politically involved – even though my political knowledge is infantile.

However, our ultimate hope cannot rest in the laws of this land. God has been very clear in His Word that He alone rules. He places people in positions of power to perform His good purposes. (There were a lot of “p” words in that last sentence.) He sits secure on His throne, and no one can do anything that He in His sovereignty hasn’t allowed. He is our ruler. He is our judge. And His job is not up for grabs, ever.

Yes, it would be amazingly glorious if this nation stayed true – not externally but individuals internally – to the things God says. But this world is not our home. It just isn’t. Until Jesus comes back, wars and hatred and brokenness will be a part of our existence.

Our ultimate hope can’t be found in created things – or created laws. Our ultimate hope is in the good and faithful character of our Maker. May we find our footing in Him.

The next time we’re tempted to engage in controversial conversations online, maybe we could just pause and think before we start type-blasting our stance. Because souls are at hand. Hearts and destinies are on the line. People that Jesus died for stand before us. And all of us are in process.

 
Fill me, Lord…

What would you add to this list of things for Christ-followers to remember when discussing controversial topics?
 

The post 3 Things to Remember Before Discussing Controversial Topics Online appeared first on Lara Howard.

I went from zero to devastated in about 10 seconds flat the other night. From content to freaked-out-worried-lady in record time. And you know what caused it? My thoughts.

Sure, it had been a busy week. Yeah, I was exhausted. True, I had a long list of things I still needed to do. But none of that caused the momentary breakdown. They made me vulnerable. But it was my thoughts that led to the momentary breakdown.

I’ve got lots to say about the thought life. I’ve been camped out on the topic for months now in my personal writing time. But I just wanted to (real-quick-like) share the very first step to renovating our thought lives.

The First Step

You ready for this one? Here it is. We start by asking God what in the world we’re thinking about.

I know it sounds duh, but for real. When we see the red flags of fear or worry or bitterness starting to wave, the very first step to taking our thoughts captive is to pause and ask God what we’re thinking. Because often, we don’t even realize the things swirling around in our head. We don’t consciously know all of the thoughts that are pushing us into a dance with debilitating feelings.

Feelings (fueled by thoughts) can be like a fast, fancy Corvette. It pulls up at our doorstep with its flashy, convincing amazingness and we jump in before we realize it’s a Zombie driving with a crazed-look in its eyes and our arms are strapped down so we can’t do anything to stop the vehicle. I didn’t plan this fantastic Zombie scenario before I started writing. It just came out as I typed so we’re going with it.

We need intervention to get outta the Zombie-driven-Corvette. We need something from outside of the car to bring it to a halt. We need God.

The next time fear or worry or bitterness or anxiousness (or a hundred other not-so-comforting emotions) starts to take us for a fast ride, let’s pause and ask God to show us what we’re thinking. Only then will we be ready to renovate our thoughts lives.

The post the first step to renovating our thought lives appeared first on Lara Howard.

I took one of those naps where I woke up confused about what day it was, what time it was, where I was supposed to be, and what I was supposed to do when I got there. It was lovely. And rare.

Typically when I take a nap – or try to sleep in general – someone inevitably, loudly comes barreling through the door asking me to untie something. Or find a shoe or sock or some tiny piece of paper that they need to literally survive. But for this particular nap, it was just me and my cozy bed and I fell into a small coma. Because bottom line, I’ve been tired!

Lately, in my tired and slightly overwhelmed state I’ve felt like I haven’t been doing anything with “excellence.” My lists get half-checked. My laundry gets half-done. And my kids get my half-attention.

So I’ve done the only thing I know to do: I eat chips.

But then after the chips, I do the more helpful thing. The thing that sounds super spiritual but is actually, simply, the only way to truly survive this life: I keep stumbling towards the Lord, asking Him for wisdom with what to do next and then next.

He’s the One who created time. He’s the One who knows where I’m spreading myself too thin. He’s the One who has wisdom for our daily situations. So He’s the place to go even when we need insight for our inflated schedules and jam-packed minutes.

So the next time you’re feeling a little overwhelmed or stretched thin, here are four things to remember.

4 Things to Remember When We Feel Overwhelmed

1. We have time to do everything God has for our today.
2. We can only do one. thing. at. a. time. And that’s ok. The other stuff will wait.
3. Overwhelm is an invitation to pause, talk to the One made time, and listen to what He says (by His Spirit and in His Word).
4. We weren’t meant to do life alone, which means sometimes asking for help from those who love us.

God made this day. And He put you and me in it. With purpose. Keep on, friend! Keep on. One minute, then the next, stumbling towards the Lord.

One way to get true things into our minds to help combat the overwhelm is by getting to know the heart of God through the Bible. Click here to see the studies I’ve written with that goal in mind.

The post 4 Things to Remember When We Feel Overwhelmed appeared first on Lara Howard.

Valentine’s Day is upon us – as if one could forget with all the heart-shaped candy and heart-shaped commercials and heart-shaped…air. But I’m burdened today for the one who desperately wants to forget that it’s the national day of love. Because the one I’ve been burdened for doesn’t feel treasured and would just assume skip ahead to February 15th for a clearance price on the good chocolate.

It’s you I’ve been thinking so much about.

Our hearts deceive and our culture is loud with its claims on love. Yet only One embodied the true definition of love – the kind of love that stands the test of time and doesn’t depend upon the other person.

His name is Jesus. He is love.

I know it’s tempting to base our value or our joy on what other humans say of us or how other humans feel about us. It’s in our nature to desire the accolades of a charmed audience. But living a life dependent upon the words and approval of others will drain us dry. Living a life desperately needing to be treasured by a watching world will never bring lasting peace. Because people change their minds and have bad days and were never meant to be our ultimate fulfillment.

I understand wanting to feel loved and treasured by someone we can touch and feel. I do. And that’s not a bad desire; it’s good and lovely and honorable and God-given…as long as we remember that another human can never fully satisfy the ache in our souls. Because the ache is for God.

These aren’t just fluffy words said to soothe Valentine’s Day woes. These are truth words meant to heal: God’s love can satisfy the craving of our soul.

If no one else says the actual words to you this Valentine’s Day, hear me say the words I’m preaching to my own soul. You, my friend, are a precious treasure to our Maker. You are seen. You are fully known. And you are fully and completely loved.

I pray this Valentine’s Day that God’s love would seep into the places of your soul that quietly ache for earthly love. And that it would satisfy in ways you didn’t even expect.

The post for those who want to skip Valentine’s Day appeared first on Lara Howard.

I almost held anxiety’s hand as I stepped into the New Year. But it wasn’t a nice hand-holding. It was more like anxiety was a big bully, dragging me around with a firm grip on my upper-arm while looking back at me with a snarl and crooked teeth.

It would insist that I stare at my circumstances, as if it was pointing my eyes towards the uncertainties while whisper-spitting “Hopeless. Hopeless. Hopeless.” And for a minute – or 154 minutes give or take – I believed it.

Then Jesus said some things.

He reminded me that He doesn’t give grace for tomorrow while I’m still living in today. He gives grace for this day. These moments. And His grace means that peace can guard my heart even when I don’t know what’s up ahead. Because He is peace. He’s the Prince of Peace. And He’s within us if we’re His.

That’s why worrying about tomorrow does nothing except steal the peace we’ve been promised for today.

I said “amen” to all of Jesus’ words and truly believed them. But my heart still had to wrestle. Unknowns would meet me in my bed at night, waking me up like an annoying gnat flying around my ear. And I would acknowledge my unbelief to my good (and near) God and then preach truth to my soul again. And then again.

And eventually, anxiety loosened its grip.

Worry and fear will come. We live in a scary world with a gazillion unknowns from our earthly perspective. And we’re human. But when worry and fear consume our minutes, it’s almost like we’re pointing at God and declaring, “Yep, this thing I’m facing is bigger and stronger than You.” And y’all. That’s just not true.

Whatever it is we face – from the really big, life-altering circumstances to the smaller, annoying inconveniences – God is bigger. He just is. There’s nothing that He looks at and says, “Wow, this one has Me totally stumped.”

When worry or fear plagues us – inviting anxiety to push us around – we have to remember what’s true. We need others to remind us of what’s true. We need to wage war on our thought lives, replacing anxious thoughts with truths of our God.

It isn’t easy – this fighting against the flesh for what’s already ours in the Lord – and it’s rarely quick. But God promises grace for our today. The Prince of Peace isn’t confused by our predicaments or slipping off of His throne. He still sits secure offering His children His peace no matter our circumstance.

Looking for a Bible study that could encourage you through difficult, anxiety-producing circumstances? Check out my study called Fruitful Affliction.

The post Goodbye Anxiety. appeared first on Lara Howard.

What’s on your “to-do list” that you keep putting off? Usually “I’ll get to that later” or “I’ll start next month” or “I’ll do that when [blank] happens” circles around that “to-do” item, slowly strangling out any vitality the idea once had. Not that I have any experience with procrastination or anything.

Some procrastination is legit.

Maybe we see something in our life that needs healing or we’re still waiting to hear a go-ahead from the Lord. Maybe life circumstances simply won’t give us the space we need to do that thing. But sometimes, it’s us in our own way. It’s fear or shame or worry, laughing a taunting laugh while driving us into paralysis. You know, the creepy mwah-ha-ha laugh.

We’re left standing there always looking to some day in the future when we’ll do that thing we keep saying we’re inspired/called/led to do.

The Solution

Do you know the solution when we’re the one in our own way? WE have to get out of the way. I know; it’s brilliant insight. We have to stop with the excuses and choose to take one baby step today. Just one.

Just. One.

Because we only have today. And if God has inspired something in us and given us gifts or talents to do it, then maybe He has something we can do towards that thing today.

The challenge is simple. It’s the same challenge I’ve been giving myself – and the same challenge that literally led me to write this blog post.

The Challenge

Answer these two questions:

• What’s on your list that you keep putting off? Maybe it’s something creative or practical to your everyday life or necessary. Start by naming it.
• Then, what’s one step you can take towards that goal today? Just one. Text a friend to tell her/him you’re going to do it (accountability), then do it. Today.

And tomorrow, when it’s today again, let’s take another baby step. And then another. And then one day soon, that thing we’re certain God has called us to do, will, by His grace, be reality.

What one step will you take today?

Comment below – consider it accountability.

The post One Thing That Can Help Fight Procrastination appeared first on Lara Howard.

I’m forty-three. Y’all, that’s older than I’ve ever been. And yet sometimes, I still feel like a 12-year-old learning some basic relational concepts/skills/commands. One of those being forgiveness.

Misconceptions of Forgiveness

For years I misunderstood forgiveness. I feared forgiving because somewhere, deep-down, I thought that forgiveness of an offense would mean that the offense didn’t even matter. Which meant that my pain didn’t matter. And that seemed wrong considering how much God cares about the details of our lives.

I thought that forgiveness insisted that everything go “back to normal” in a relationship. And that if I wasn’t able to be “normal and ok” in my inner being, that I was being un-Christlike. But that seemed wrong considering that God desires truth and complete healing to our inner parts and is so tender to the pain of His children.

In recent months, I’ve been walking a road of forgiveness, and the Lord has so graciously given me insight that has brought real freedom and true healing. Not to be too systematic or anything, because relationships are anything but systematic. They’re messy and complicated and multi-layered. But these four steps have really helped me gain perspective. They’ve helped me move toward that land called “letting go” that I always heard about yet questioned its real existence.

So I thought I’d pass them along to you.

Four Vital Steps to True Forgiveness

1. Voice our feelings to the Lord.

Feelings are a gift from the Lord. They’re part of being human. But they’re meant to be a thermometer rather than a compass. They tell us what’s going on inside of us. They give us insight into our soul and the struggles of our heart. They tell us when we’re not safe or when we’re hurt, when we’re happy or when we’re surprised. And a million other things. However, if we follow everywhere they lead — as if they were a compass — we’ll straight-up land in prison. Like, for real.

Since feelings are part of our design, it’s vitally important to recognize and work through them. Otherwise we will live in constant denial which only compounds the problem and eventually leaves us numb and disconnected. So the first step in forgiveness is naming our feelings to the Lord. We have to start by simply talking to Him about what’s going on inside of us. It sounds duh. But it’s necessary. Talk to Him. He already knows why we feel what we feel. He understands every single fold of our hearts. So we begin with Him.

2. Seek His perspective on the situation.

This means asking God to show us His perspective. Sometimes He gives deep insight to help us understand why an offense happened. He may give us insight into the other person. Hurt people hurt people. Or He may give us insight into our own actions or motivations that fueled the offense. He sees it all.

He knows why we do what we do. He knows why that other person did what they did. And He alone can grace us with perspective that goes beyond our human eyes. So we ask Him. It may take time in His Word. It may take time away from the situation. It may take time in prayer with a trusted friend. But He promises wisdom to those who seek.

He may not fully explain all the reasons behind an offense. We may not completely understand. But getting a glimpse into His perspective – having a bit of understanding to the why behind the mess – helps us to move forward.

3. Set loving, appropriate boundaries.

This is the big one. This step is the step I had been missing for so long. I had grown fairly successful in voicing my feelings to the Lord and then seeking His perspective – in turn washing my feelings with truth. But I always thought that the next step was to “let it go.” That a “good” Christian would move on and “be fine already.” But for us to truly let things go to the Lord, we need to set some loving boundaries.

I cannot recommend the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend enough. I read it years ago (and failed to implement what it teaches) but then recently reread it and lightbulbs went off. They address every angle on the issue of boundaries – from misconceptions, to definition, to an action plan, to real life examples, and more.

There’s no way I could do the topic justice here, so I’ll just say this. Without setting loving boundaries, we open ourselves up to a pattern of sinful, unhealthy behavior. We enable brothers and sisters in Christ to continue on in destructive patterns. And we don’t reflect the Lord when we can’t set loving boundaries.

I love what Jen Wilkin says in her newest book In His Image. (Sorry for the length. Her words were just so good.):

“Forgiving lavishly does not mean that we continue to place ourselves in harm’s way. The Bible takes great pains to address the dangers of keeping company with those who perpetually harm others. Those who learn nothing from their past mistakes are termed fools. While we may forgive the fool for hurting us, we do not give the fool unlimited opportunity to hurt us again. To do so would be to act foolishly ourselves. When Jesus extends mercy in the Gospels, he always does so with an implicit or explicit, “Go and sin no more.” When our offender persists in sinning against us, we are wise to put boundaries in place. Doing so is itself an act of mercy toward the offender. By limiting his opportunity to sin against us, we spare him further guilt before God. Mercy never requires submission to abuse, whether spiritual, verbal, emotional, or physical.” (Jen Wilkin, In His Image, p. 80-81)

Maybe fear prevents us from setting boundaries. Maybe it’s shame. Maybe it’s habit. Regardless, God wants to teach us how to honor Him by setting loving boundaries with other people. Loving boundaries. Not bitter, angry boundaries. Boundaries firm but in love, desiring wholeness for ourselves as God’s child and wholeness for the other person.

We’ll stumble along and do it wrong at times, allowing emotion to guide rather than His Spirit. But He’s the best Teacher. And He’s patient with our process of becoming more and more like Christ.

4. Release the offense to the Lord.

Only after we’ve set loving boundaries can we move into this fourth step of release. Only after we’ve draw some clear lines for moving forward, are we able to “let things go” to the Lord’s faithfulness.

Releasing to the Lord means we’re releasing judgement to Him. We’re freeing others from our vengeance. And we’re freeing ourselves from the bitterness that will most definitely take root if we don’t deal with the hurt that comes from living on this planet with other imperfect humans.

“Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” Luke 17:3-4

Embrace the Mess

I think what happens is that we read verses commanding things like forgiveness and we forget that life is a process. We read stories of people in the bible who had difficult, complicated relationships — remember Leah and Rachel?! — forgetting that time happened between verses. Process happened.

Sometimes it seems like we as followers of Jesus are afraid of things being messy. We want to rush to the “promised land” where there’s milk and honey. But transformation most often happens in the wilderness. The messy, difficult, weary wilderness. Yes, forgive. Forgiveness is freedom. Forgiveness is commanded. But the process of forgiveness can take some time. And life can stay a little messy while we’re walking through the process.

Regardless of where you are (or I am) in the process of forgiveness, God wants to meet us right there. He doesn’t push. He never rushes. He’s not in a hurry. He wants to fully heal. And full healing takes honesty, time, prayer, community, and maybe a walk through the wilderness.

Welcome to earth, populated with humans. It’s messy here.

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