I like people. I like to watch people. I like to listen to people talk about why they think the things they think. It intrigues me how we’re all so different yet so much alike. All wanting to be loved. All wanting to feel accepted. All with a story.

So yesterday I watched two particular people — a youngish married couple. And I made up a story in my head about their relationship based on their body language with each other that I observed for a whole seven minutes. Don’t be scared to be my friend.

I was at one of my favorite little local restaurants alone — hallelujah! — doing some writing over a high-protein burrito bowl — because lean proteins are now my friends as I try to transform this almost-40-year-old body into a mean machine. Be afraid. Where was I. Oh yes, I was eating and writing and eavesdropping on this married couple.

They didn’t talk at all except for a couple of brief, superficial exchanges. They just ate, avoiding eye contact with one another. Never laughing. Never touching. She seemed irritated. He seemed inattentive. And I decided in my made-up story about their lives that she had expectations he wasn’t meeting for whatever reasons. And he was tired of trying. They left in the same way they ate. Distant and cold.

I have no clue what was going on in their relationship. And I totally presumed things that could be absolutely incorrect. But assuming for some wild reason that I was semi-right, if I’m honest, that could have been me and my husband sitting there at various points in our marriage. Over these last 12 years we’ve had our fair share of “distant and cold” seasons for whatever reason.

But God. He keeps holding us together with his grace. He keeps renewing our desire for one another.

We as humans grow distant and cold in a relationship when the relationship doesn’t do what we think it should do. We grow cold when we start keeping a list of how the other person doesn’t measure up, rather than dumping continual grace. But here’s a little secret. You ready? Living with a list in hand is bondage! Straight. Up. Bondage.

The freedom that Jesus intends for our marriages, and every other relationship, happens in the release. When we release people from being our soul’s fulfillment. Yes, we need people. Yes, we weren’t meant to be islands. No, it isn’t good to do life alone. But we don’t need people because we’re incomplete without them. We need people because God designed us to love each other and spur one another on towards our completion in Him.

“For in Him all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, and in Him you have been made complete, and He is the head over all rule and authority.”
(Colossians 2:9 – 2:10 NASB)

Sometimes I feel like I preach the same things to myself every single day — and in turn, you. You’re welcome. But I guess it’s because every single day my heart tries to deceive me. I too quickly start looking down here on this planet for the satisfaction that can only be found in my God.

We need people because
God designed us to spur one another on
towards our completion in Him.

I don’t know where your relationships are today. But because you’re human — assuming zombies don’t exist — I would bet that there is at least one strained relationship in your life. And if not, then maybe you need to branch out and experience the beauty of strain.

But what if we did something…crazy. What if we shredded the list for that relationship. What if we laid down all the expectations that only serve to tangle up our heart-strings and say something bold and radical to God. Something like, “You know what, God, I want to be so full of you that even if that person doesn’t do what I think he or she should do, I will still spill out your love and grace all over them. Regardless.”

It’s love that transforms people. It’s grace that sparks a fire in the heart of another. The law doesn’t have that kind of power. Lists never inspire; they only condemn.

We may look different on the outside. We may like different things or wear different clothes, but deep down we’re all the same. We’re each designed to find our soul’s completion in our Maker. And we’re each crafted to love with abandon in Christ.

Action Steps

1. Ask God to show you the relationship that you’ve depended upon to give you the fulfillment that only He can bring.
2. Confess those tendencies as what they are: idolatry. He’s so gracious.
3. Work through forgiving that person if they’ve wronged you. This may take time.
4. Find someone who can spur you on in your relationship with God.
5. Seek God. Worship Him. Talk to Him. Look at Him. Read His Word. Meditate on what He says about love.
6. Repeat step 4 over and over.
7. Pray specifically for that strained relationship — that God would teach you to love him or her as Jesus loves you.
8. Wait for it. Wait for it.
9. Watch His love start to change your heart for that person and your perspective for that relationship.

 
Fill me, Lord…

What other action steps would you add when it comes to experiencing freedom in strained relationships?
 

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