one thought that will absolutely kill a marriage

Jennie, I am so so sorry for your pain. Thank you for sharing your heart. I know it is extremely tender. I wish that my words could actually bring you some comfort but I know that ultimately only our God can minister healing, especially when the hurts are so raw. Trusting Him to be your faithful Daddy who sees you and knows you perfectly. The One who calls you beautiful and never grows weary of your conversations. The One who can lift and carry you through the darkness. Praying you are able to press into Him. Much love to you. Much love.

Janet, I have been married for 20 years to a wonderful man. There is no one else like him on the earth…and for that reason I can’t compare him to other women’s husbands. There are many, many times that I do without–he’s not a gift-giver, he’s not one to say “I love you,” he doesn’t like to spend $ “unnecessarily,” and I could look at others and think, “I wish my husband would buy me flowers, I wish he’d take me out to dinner, I wish he’d buy me a birthday card, at least, or a birthday present, I wish he’d say he loves me….etc. There are 3 things that I want to say quickly: 1. be the wife God has called you to be–just because he doesn’t, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. You can be the one to give him a card, a hug, a note in his lunchbox, on his pillow, a candybar and note in his car, an unexpected kiss….in the Bible, love is a verb more than a noun….an action, not a feeling. Actively love your husband and the feelings will follow…2. Men don’t know what we want–they really don’t. Often they have no clue. So tell him if something is really important to you. Tell him when you want some flowers, some chocolate, a dinner out, sex….ask him, Can we afford it, Honey? Is there any way we can manage to get a babysitter, pay for a motel, have a night away–bowling, golfing, mini-golfing, a movie, a concert, whatever….work together to save money for it. 3. look for things that your husband does do well, or at least, does do, and thank him for doing those things. If he fills the car with gas, thank him. If you were single you’d have to do that yourself. If he mows the lawn, thank him. If you were single, you’d be mowing it yourself. If he fixes anything around the house, thank him. If you were single, you’d be trying to take care of broken items, the plumbing, the electric, etc. all yourself. Tell him, “I’m so glad that you’re here to do that. I haven’t a clue how to do that, or, if you do know how to change the oil in the car, but let him do it, say, “Thank you for doing the dirty work for me. I really didn’t have the time to do that today, and now I can cross it off of my “to do” list. I really appreciate you!” Just little things, but it’s a few words that make the difference to guys, as to whether they feel taken for granted, or appreciated by you. Remember, they really can’t read our minds. We need to tell them what we are thinking, just as they need to tell us. I hope this helps. Communication is always a struggle for every marriage. Oh, and a 4th thing: No marriage is perfect, no matter what it looks like on facebook or in a Bible Study. Sometimes women brag about what their husbands did or said to make themselves feel better, to convince themselves that their husbands really love them, or to impress others. There may be things that they don’t brag about. It’s never a good idea to compare and then feel bad about our own marriages. Far better to work on our relationships. Instead of announcing to everyone, to impress other people, it’s better to keep your own private journal and start counting all the ways that God has blessed you. Have you read One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp? Her blog is http://www.aholyexperience.com

I think many married women wish their husbands were like some other husbands in the way they show affection, laugh, help, etc. However, not every person is alike. Some men don’t have it in them to be touchy feelie, or to be nurturing towards children, or be romantic. We need to be okay with the way they are and go to Jesus Christ with those needs in us that are unmet. I’m finally learning this after 36 years of sometimes rough marriage. God is faithful; He will do it! Hang in there, Janet! 🙂

What a legacy, Nina. By His great grace! Thanks for sharing. 🙂

Upside down living — the only way. xoxo

Thanks Natasha. 🙂

Thanks Kara. 🙂

You are so right. “Every relationship.” They’re all messy and challenging. And yes, submission definitely ends much better than rebellion. (Learned that one the hard way too.) Good hearing from you, Rebecca!