Twelve years ago today my husband and I were about two days into our wedded bliss — sipping froo-froo drinks on the beach while listening to a hotel band of retired men in Hawaiian shirts play Caribbean music. Ahhh. Actually, we fought on our honeymoon. No joke. With the ink still fresh on our marriage license, both of us wondered if we made a huge mistake by vowing our lives together.

Mainly because we’re both selfish. Like really selfish. We both had expectations that served to do nothing but push the other away. We both had “baggage” — the heavy, mismatched, 1970’s floral baggage — that weighed us down.

So, little did we know, it would be a bumpy ride. Because when you pray something like, “God, glorify Yourself through our marriage,” and you really mean it,…well…He will glorify Himself. But that means He has to chisel away all the heart-wreckage in order for His glory to shine through — a painful, beautiful process.

The other night my husband and I went out to celebrate. For real, celebrate. In fact, it was the first year we didn’t give each other a card that said something like, “I know this has been a rough year but God is working.” Romantic, huh. Instead, we just celebrated.

I asked him on our way to dinner, “If we had known all the mess that we would walk through as a couple, do you think we would have still married?” Without hesitation we both agreed, “heck no!” But looking at what has grown from the ground of our lives together — our individual faith, our family, our understanding of true love — neither one of us would trade it.

“Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.”
Romans 13:8

Because of the nature of our marriage journey, and our belief that God has called us to be open about our struggles, we hear a lot of stories. We see a lot of marital carnage. We find ourselves praying for a lot of homes.

So I asked God what I could say in this space in celebration of the story God is writing through our own relationship — what I could say to couples who want to shred any evidence of their vows. And you know what I heard in my spirit, “God is good. Remind them that God is good, even right now.”

Looking back over this past decade, there have been times when I have doubted the goodness of God. Times when I looked at our situation and said, “Lord Jesus, if you’re good then why does this keep happening?!” And every time He took me back to a truth that kept my feet firm in the ground of our home. Every time He challenged me to begin with the truth of His character rather than the mess of our situation, “God is good. And God is love. And for reasons I may never know, this is part of the good journey He has for me. For us.”

We get the purpose of life so twisted because our heart shouts convincing things that oppose God’s economy. Our heart says stuff like, “Serve me. Love me. Die for me.” But God says to live we have to die. To be great we have to become small. To find freedom we have to become a bondservant. True love blesses those who revile us. It’s twisted.

As a child of God, His purpose in our lives is to make us holy, because we’re created to find fulness of life in our holy God. But that journey to holiness means a shedding of self. And self puts up a good, mean fight.

It may not feel like it right now. But God is good. Forever and always. He’s actively fighting for your heart’s throne. And one day we’ll look back from the perspective of eternity and realize that the words really were true, “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)

Your situation may not feel good right now. It may not even be “good” in the way we’re prone to define good. But God is good. And He is doing good, holy things out of His relentless, pursuing, eternal love for you. May we camp out with that truth, come what may.

 
Fill me, Lord…

What would you say to encourage — to impart courage to — someone in a difficult situation?
 

The post for marriages needing a word of hope appeared first on Lara Howard.

I like people. I like to watch people. I like to listen to people talk about why they think the things they think. It intrigues me how we’re all so different yet so much alike. All wanting to be loved. All wanting to feel accepted. All with a story.

So yesterday I watched two particular people — a youngish married couple. And I made up a story in my head about their relationship based on their body language with each other that I observed for a whole seven minutes. Don’t be scared to be my friend.

I was at one of my favorite little local restaurants alone — hallelujah! — doing some writing over a high-protein burrito bowl — because lean proteins are now my friends as I try to transform this almost-40-year-old body into a mean machine. Be afraid. Where was I. Oh yes, I was eating and writing and eavesdropping on this married couple.

They didn’t talk at all except for a couple of brief, superficial exchanges. They just ate, avoiding eye contact with one another. Never laughing. Never touching. She seemed irritated. He seemed inattentive. And I decided in my made-up story about their lives that she had expectations he wasn’t meeting for whatever reasons. And he was tired of trying. They left in the same way they ate. Distant and cold.

I have no clue what was going on in their relationship. And I totally presumed things that could be absolutely incorrect. But assuming for some wild reason that I was semi-right, if I’m honest, that could have been me and my husband sitting there at various points in our marriage. Over these last 12 years we’ve had our fair share of “distant and cold” seasons for whatever reason.

But God. He keeps holding us together with his grace. He keeps renewing our desire for one another.

We as humans grow distant and cold in a relationship when the relationship doesn’t do what we think it should do. We grow cold when we start keeping a list of how the other person doesn’t measure up, rather than dumping continual grace. But here’s a little secret. You ready? Living with a list in hand is bondage! Straight. Up. Bondage.

The freedom that Jesus intends for our marriages, and every other relationship, happens in the release. When we release people from being our soul’s fulfillment. Yes, we need people. Yes, we weren’t meant to be islands. No, it isn’t good to do life alone. But we don’t need people because we’re incomplete without them. We need people because God designed us to love each other and spur one another on towards our completion in Him.

“For in Him all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, and in Him you have been made complete, and He is the head over all rule and authority.”
(Colossians 2:9 – 2:10 NASB)

Sometimes I feel like I preach the same things to myself every single day — and in turn, you. You’re welcome. But I guess it’s because every single day my heart tries to deceive me. I too quickly start looking down here on this planet for the satisfaction that can only be found in my God.

We need people because
God designed us to spur one another on
towards our completion in Him.

I don’t know where your relationships are today. But because you’re human — assuming zombies don’t exist — I would bet that there is at least one strained relationship in your life. And if not, then maybe you need to branch out and experience the beauty of strain.

But what if we did something…crazy. What if we shredded the list for that relationship. What if we laid down all the expectations that only serve to tangle up our heart-strings and say something bold and radical to God. Something like, “You know what, God, I want to be so full of you that even if that person doesn’t do what I think he or she should do, I will still spill out your love and grace all over them. Regardless.”

It’s love that transforms people. It’s grace that sparks a fire in the heart of another. The law doesn’t have that kind of power. Lists never inspire; they only condemn.

We may look different on the outside. We may like different things or wear different clothes, but deep down we’re all the same. We’re each designed to find our soul’s completion in our Maker. And we’re each crafted to love with abandon in Christ.

Action Steps

1. Ask God to show you the relationship that you’ve depended upon to give you the fulfillment that only He can bring.
2. Confess those tendencies as what they are: idolatry. He’s so gracious.
3. Work through forgiving that person if they’ve wronged you. This may take time.
4. Find someone who can spur you on in your relationship with God.
5. Seek God. Worship Him. Talk to Him. Look at Him. Read His Word. Meditate on what He says about love.
6. Repeat step 4 over and over.
7. Pray specifically for that strained relationship — that God would teach you to love him or her as Jesus loves you.
8. Wait for it. Wait for it.
9. Watch His love start to change your heart for that person and your perspective for that relationship.

 
Fill me, Lord…

What other action steps would you add when it comes to experiencing freedom in strained relationships?
 

The post freedom for strained relationships appeared first on Lara Howard.

I mean I don’t have to make myself justify my unlove and ungrace. I naturally do it with professional critique and lawyer-like arguments. And the result is always and forever the same when I go that route. The result is always and forever pride, which always and forever leads to desolate lands.

We had one of our uglier “discussions” last weekend over something ridiculous, rooted in something bigger. But then Easter happened. And God absolutely, faithfully broke me over my own sin. He gave me fresh glimpse of the scandalous reality of the gospel.

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago how I’m reading that book The Calvary Road by Roy Hession. Reading…being crushed by…however you want to say it. So I was “reading” this book after our lovely display of depravity and as I read Hession’s words describing the characteristics of a bondservant of Christ, I knew God was calling me to humble repentance.

But I couldn’t do it. Not really. I mean, I wanted to repent in the sense that I wanted to obey God. I knew mentally that I had a role in our argument. And I did ask my husband to forgive me. But I didn’t feel it. I didn’t feel repentant. I felt like I wanted to defend myself. And really, that desire to defend, in and of itself, points to the depths of my need for a Savior. In fact I’m coming to the realization that doing something just because I know I should, is no more noble or righteous than not doing the thing at all. It’s just further evidence of my desperation for Jesus.

So by God’s absolute grace, I asked Him to break my heart for my own sin. I told him that I didn’t want to just say confession words. I wanted to see myself in light of His glory so that the confession flowed from a place of brokenness. And He answered.

He broke my heart.

And I (Isaiah) said: “Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!”
Isaiah 6:5

It was like He lifted the veil of pride just for a second so I could see myself in light of His beautiful, selfless perfection in Jesus. And I felt utter shame for my sin followed by overwhelming joy that He would still die for me while I was yet His enemy.

And with that revelation, He changed my feelings.

I went to my husband and apologized from a place of God-given humility. It wasn’t something that I conjured. It wasn’t even something I did because I knew it was the right thing to do. It was something He did in me in spite of me. He allowed me to see the shame of my own sin next to His undeserved grace. And I broke.

What does all of this blabbing mean to you? Well, take it as a challenge — just as I’m challenging myself. Take it as a challenge to be broken for your own junk-in-the-trunk. I’m pretty certain that is the wrong use of that phrase but it just fits.

It’s easy to point out all the mess we see in others. That’s the easy, natural thing. The hard, anti-flesh thing is to reflect on our own mess before a holy God. But honest, God-given repentance followed by rejoicing in the cleansing of His blood is the only road — the Calvary road — that brings the abundant, selfless life Christ died to give. And that will be the only real step towards healing in any relationship.

 
Fill me, Lord…

Think of a recent, not-so-pretty “exchange” you had with someone else. How would selflessness look in the aftermath of that messiness?
 

The post how to heal a relationship after an argument appeared first on Lara Howard.

Because let’s be honest. Marriages are straight up falling apart. Ours almost did. And as I’ve thought about why that keeps happening to marriages, specifically “Christian” marriages — beyond the whole “satan is out to destroy it” thing — I see one killer thought that lies at the core of broken, abandoned relationships. One thought that kills intimacy with, passion for, and pursuit of one another. The thought that kills, “I’m not where I’m supposed to be.”

Whenever we camp out with that mindset and a carton of ice cream, we play right into the enemy’s hands. The enemy wants us to think that there’s someone else out there that will meet all our needs and make us perfectly happy. He wants us to take our eyes off of our spouse and turn them onto someone else, because he hates marriage. God designed marriage to to reflect Jesus and the church so if the enemy can get one person in the relationship to linger with the thought of another, then he gains ground.

And here I pause because I know that he has gained ground in so. many. marriages.

But what if we decide today that God really is sovereign. (Matthew 10:29) That His children aren’t at the mercy of circumstance or Satan. (Job 1) What if we decide to learn contentment with the now season of life — no matter how ridiculously painful it may be — rather than clamoring to escape. (Philippians 4:11) What if we raise our hands and trust that God really does have something that He’s doing that we cannot see or possibly even comprehend. (Isaiah 55:8) What if we decide to believe that God is bigger. (Psalm 147:3-6)

Look, I know that I know that relationships are messy and painful and hard and sacrificial and complicated and… But sanctification — that process of being transformed into a holy vessel — happens through the challenging fires of life. The times when we’re desperate for Jesus. The times when He’s all we’ve got. The times when we cling so tight to Him, even through tears saying, “I don’t know what You’re doing, but I trust You. Have Your way.” It’s then that we learn His sufficiency. And learning His sufficiency is LIFE to us.

I probably sound like I’m beating a dead horse. Which, for the record, is a disgusting image. But I’m telling you, friend, challenging relationships and messy marriages can serve as the greatest blessing to our lives. I know it sounds completely crazy — it is crazy — but the more challenging the situation, the more amazing we can see God to be. And the more amazing we see God to be, the more abundant our life truly becomes.

It’s upside down. But that’s how God does things. He almost always moves completely opposite of our natural inclinations. He does things that make no sense to our finite thinking — like loving our enemies and blessing those who hurt us? Are you kidding me? (Luke 6:27-28) But deep down, our soul craves His ways.

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water…
My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night.
Psalm 63:1, 5-6

Marriage is hard, mainly because two selfish human beings are a part of it. Seriously. I’m a mess at heart. My husband is a mess at heart. Hope arises not when the other changes to line up with our expectations — even good expectations. Hope arises when we love regardless. Hope arises when we trust that God is sovereign over and has purpose even in this. When we stop trying to run and simply choose to pause with God, arms lifted in surrender to whatever cup He may have for us to drink.

It’s radical. It’s absolutely anti-cultural. But I’m pretty certain it’s Jesus-like — trusting God to lead and guide and move and provide even in the hard things. And I’m more than confident that God blesses those who seek after and rest in Him.

I’m not telling you what to do in your relationships — walk or stay. Only God can tell you what to do in that regard. But I am challenging all of us to replace that killer thought of “somewhere else” with something like, “Ok, Lord. This is where I am. So give me Your vision. Use me to love. Use me to reflect You. Use me to intercede. Use me for Your glory.”

It may be that first huge step towards radical transformation to our ever-searching souls.

 
Fill me, Lord…

What could/do you think instead?
 

The post one thought that will absolutely kill a marriage appeared first on Lara Howard.

One key truth always comes to mind when I think about all God has taught me in these 11 years of “wedded bliss”. That’s called sarcasm. And yes, my husband would think it’s funny. It’s the truth God calls me back to over and over, especially when my husband and I wander around in the not-so-blissful seasons.

Love.

(A sweet gift from a friend who knows me well.)

Love.

Not Jerry McGuire, “You complete me” love. Or Janet Jackson’s, “What have you done for me lately” love. I’m talking real love. God love.

It sounds a little churchy. But it’s the bottom line: by this the world will know we’re Christ’s disciples, if we love others like He loves. (John 13:34-35)

But here’s the thing about this kind of love. We can’t give it out unless we first receive it from our God. This love flows from being secure in the sufficiency of Christ. It’s a love that’s completely beyond us and regardless of the other person. It’s a love that intercedes even if we’ve been hurt and forgives over and over. Just like Jesus.

When my husband and I walked through our darkest places, God gave me a perspective change that still helps me love (anyone) when I’m not feelin’ it. God taught me to look at my husband as my brother in Christ. He challenged me to focus not on what my husband can do for me (like Janet Jackson insisted), but to focus on how I can come alongside him as my brother to encourage and bless. And if I’m not receiving life and love from my God, that would be an impossible mission.

Looking through the lens of brotherhood tears down the walls I’m tempted to put around my heart when things are messy. And life definitely gets messy. Husbands and wives will, at times, frustrate each other. It’s the nature of humans and marriage. But I pray for God’s vision. I pray (again today) that I see souls with His eternal perspective, deeply rooted and securely standing in His love.

 
Fill me, Lord…

What prayer do you often pray when it comes to your marriage?
 

The post one thing I constantly pray for my marriage appeared first on Lara Howard.

Law is predictable and orderly. It has sides and lines. And we know what to expect, “Say this, get this. Do this, receive this.” It makes life easier to measure. “Good. Bad. Right. Wrong.”

But the law doesn’t have much power. Oh it can semi-scare people into semi-obedience. It can make us cough up 5 bucks for an overpriced, sugar-coma-inducing coffee, because if we just grabbed it and ran out the door someone may call the cops. (Or. Something.)

The law can make my kids halfway do what I say because they don’t like “sassy spray” when they talk back or the iPod taken away. So law can motivate outward results. But it has zero control over the heart of man. Zero. Which is one reason parenting is so stinkin’ freakin’ difficult.

(She hacked the photostream on my phone. Ha.)

Law just shows us our sin. It shows us God’s perfection and our lacking. It shows us again and again that we’re weak. Our inability to perfectly obey the law illuminates the fact that we’re needy for help. Desperately.

I’ve said it before to my fellow parents, but I need reminding. We have to be so diligent not to place too much expectation on the law when it comes to the hearts of our kids. Because our rules and laws will never ever transform them. Yes, we employ “law” in our home. We use it as a tool in discipline. But we’re deceiving ourselves if we think it’s what will change them. Our kids will never wake up and say “Oh, my mum and daddy want only to protect me. I shall now obey everything they’ve so wisely instructed.” Not happenin’. Because they, like we, are human. And humans fall.

But grace. Grace. It’s got this ability to reach into the soul of a man (or woman) and melt the most calloused places. It’s what Jesus always gave. And gives. It’s looking into the tear-stained face of a woman who’s been publicly disgraced for her sin and saying, “I don’t condemn you.” That was me. It’s God calling rebellious, murderous, adulterous humans “son” or “daughter.” It’s Jesus nailed to a tree for me and you because we can’t obey the law, and our disobedience has to be dealt with.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.
Ephesians 2:8-9

If we could stand here for a while and even vaguely grasp the great grace we’re under, then we might respond to everyone else a little more…graciously. If we could only remember that our rules and laws and lists won’t change the people around us — believe me. I’ve tried. — then maybe we’d take a deep breath and ask God to show grace through us.

We can’t do it on our own. Grace will never be our fleshly natural response to those who hurt us or those who don’t obey us. But in Christ, by the power of His Spirit, we can ask Him to show it through us. We can choose to sit with and revel in God’s grace. And after He fills us so full of wonder over this mysterious gift, we can spill it out on everyone around us.

Grace. “God’s riches at Christ’s expense.” It’s receiving what we don’t deserve. And it’s giving what *they* don’t deserve. Because of Jesus.

 
Fill me, Lord…

How have you seen grace motivate true heart change in you or someone you know?
 

The post this is how to change people appeared first on Lara Howard.

He’s got this.

I think I need daily reminding because it’s just too easy to get tangled up in short-sighted emotion. It’s too easy to wonder what the heck God’s doing. It’s too easy to doubt.

So I need it daily. I have to remember that even when it may feel like something is “all wrong,” there’s this God who loves me immeasurably. Not only that, He sees the beginning from the end and He has this way of working every single thing out for our good and His glory. Everything.

..the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:27-28

Nothing trumps His promises. Nothing thwarts His plan. Nothing catches Him looking the other way.

I may say with Habakkuk, “I don’t like this plan!” But He isn’t threatened. He’s patient. And He can take my little outbursts. But then after I get it all out, He calls me (and you) to faith.

Yes, emotions will come. We’ll raise objections to His plans at times. But the hope is that we move from fear to faith. From pride to faith. From hopelessness to faith.

God gave me a not-so-subtle reminder yesterday. “Lara, trust Me.”

 
Fill me, Lord…

What do you do when you don’t like God’s plan?
 

The post for when we don’t like God’s plan appeared first on Lara Howard.

 
Don’t place your trust solely in him. Or her. Or them. Because they — like you and me — are mere humans. And do you know what humans do? We fail.

I read Jesus’ words last week and they struck a deep chord. He had just started His earthly ministry, performing signs and wonders. And after seeing the miracles, people believed in Him.

“But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them, because he knew all people and needed no one to bear witness about man, for he himself knew what was in man.” John 2:24-25

Do you hear what He’s saying? Yes, people put their trust in Him. I mean, He was turning water into top-shelf wine. But He didn’t put His trust in people. Why? Because He “knew all people…(and) knew what was in man.”

Never in the Bible does it say to put our trust in people. Never. Love people, yes. Forgive people, continually. Pray for people, always. But trust? Never. And it’s because people are people. We’re weak and selfish and prone to wander.

Thus says the Lord:
“Cursed is the man who trusts in man
and makes flesh his strength,
whose heart turns away from the Lord.
He is like a shrub in the desert,
and shall not see any good come.
He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,
in an uninhabited salt land.

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose trust is the Lord.
He is like a tree planted by water,
that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit.
Jeremiah 17:5-8

I’m over at the Allume blog today talking about where to put our trust. Click here to read the rest of the post.

The post a simple truth than can transform any relationship appeared first on Lara Howard.

There you have it. Our marriage hasn’t been picture-perfect. But nothing in this world ever is. Except Jesus.

(No children were harmed in the taking of this picture.)

In light of the whole book release thing, I asked my husband if he had anything he would like to say here on my blog. So I wanted to share a few of his words.

 
From Adam:

“I like to stay behind the scenes but…

Lara’s book was an opportunity for us to be truthful and real. It’s critical for us as a body of believers to share our struggles. Otherwise we are on an island alone, and that’s where Satan loves for us to be. We wallow in our guilt. We forget about forgiveness and grace. We have no one encouraging us or holding us accountable.

But it’s vital that we drop our pride, seek fellowship with other believers, and be honest about our lives. That’s when we will see the walls come down.

If you’re struggling with an area of your life, rest assured that others are battling the exact same thing (or some variation of it). It’s alright to not be ‘fine.’ It’s normal to struggle.

I would encourage you not to stuff it, but allow God to use it as a testimony to His grace, forgiveness, and healing. Others need to know when we’ve been through the battle and come out victorious. The sorrow that we experience today may be the very thing that God uses for His glory tomorrow.”
 

“The sorrow that we experience today may be the very thing that God uses for His glory tomorrow.” I love that!

I said it the other day on the blog and again in that interview with Shaun Tabatt but it bears repeating. I could have never finished this project honorably had Adam not been supportive. He’s a very brave man.

Today — this last official launch day — I want to promote the book club coming up in April. It’s like a virtual small group. Or large group, depending on how you look at it.

We’re going to take ten weeks to go through the book together — one chapter each week. And each Thursday we will come together in the blog world and discuss the questions at the end of each chapter…because God didn’t make us to be islands (as Adam said above). We need each other.

Click here to RSVP

Final Giveaway :: 5-Book Bundle!

To promote this idea of authentic community, I’m giving away a book-bundle today.

One sweet woman (or man) will win 5 copies of To Walk or Stay with the hope that you will use this bundle of books to start a small group book study of your own. (Rather than sell them on eBay.)

All you have to do to enter is share this post anywhere and everywhere social media. Leave a comment for each time you share the post. {Up to 3 entries}

Get two more entries if you go ahead and buy a copy of the book for yourself. Leave two comments if you buy the book. {2 entries}
 

 
Also, the other two giveaways are still open! ($75 in giftcards and DaySpring gift set) If you haven’t entered, you may want to do that today-ish. Winners of all three giveaways will be announced on Monday!

Thank you!

I have to also say, I’ve been so blessed and humbled by your support this week. I don’t have the power to take the words in this book and make them minister to souls. But God does. So I pray He would graciously anoint, taking each sweet reader into a time of communing with Him through the pages — for His glory and our good.
 

The post “To Walk or Stay” {A word from my husband and final GIVEAWAY!} appeared first on Lara Howard.

If you are having trouble viewing,
click here to watch “To Walk or Stay” promo video on the web.

Plus, I wanted to share an interview I recently did with Shaun Tabatt on his Author Talks podcast. It’s 18 minutes so you may want to grab a cup of coffee before you press play. But I hope it blesses you to hear my heart behind the book.

Podcast Interview with Shaun Tabatt featuring “To Walk or Stay” with Lara Williams

Now for the giveaways!

DaySpring has graciously donated 6 of these “I am His” necklace and mug gift sets for the book launch! {WooHoo!} Aren’t they beautiful?!
 

Click here to see the description on DaySpring’s website.

To enter, share this post on all your favorite social media outlets and leave a comment for each time you share. {Up to 3 entries}

Buy the book and get 2 more entries! Just comment twice saying, “I bought the book today!” {2 entries}

So share away. I can’t wait to bless 6 of you with this gorgeous set. Winners will be announced on Monday.

The post Launch of “To Walk or Stay” {Video and Giveaway} appeared first on Lara Howard.