For years I lived offended in our marriage. Instead of helping my man in his weaknesses, I got an invisible but heavy chip on my shoulder when I sensed him struggling. Instead of praying for this one I vowed my love, I continually criticized him in my mind, one by one stacking more bricks on the wall between us. (Until the day it collapsed and nearly took us both out for the count.)
Chronic criticism doesn’t help those we love. We think it helps because we want to aid in their changing. But criticism pushes people away.
God graciously revealed the massive log in my eye a few years back with regard to criticism and living offended. And He taught me these four things — things we can do in efforts to help those we love when we see them entangled.
- Remember that we don’t know everything. We might need to just say that out-loud, “I don’t know everything.” It’s impossible for us as humans to grasp the many, many facets of a person’s heart. Only God sees and perfectly understands. We need to remember that we do not know everything.
- Remember that every single person on the planet is in process. “Including me,” say it with me. None of us have arrived at Christlike perfection. And until He comes again, we will continue to be sanctified. To live under His blessing, we need to give people grace, allowing them the freedom to be clay in their Potter’s hands. Because that’s how I pray others treat me in my own “process of becoming”.
- Explore the root of our offense. Ask, “Am I offended because of what they are doing — rebellion that grieves His Spirit?” or “Am I offended because I fear something I cannot control?” If it’s the latter, then we need to remember that He did not give us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). He is in complete control. And not only that, His love guides what He allows into the lives of His children. We need to stand there and believe Him faithful when fear settles down.
- Pray! Pray. Instead of criticizing those we love — either verbally or in our thought-lives — let’s pray for them in their weaknesses. It’s our calling as the Body of Christ — intercede out of love.
We all struggle. Every single one of us. And in my struggles against my own weaknesses, I desire that others walk patiently beside me. May I give that same gift of grace when I see weaknesses in those I love.
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Ephesians 4:29
Fill me, Lord…
How have you wrestled with criticism for those you love?
How can you practically love them, even with your thought-life?
Beautifully written. Let me ask you this. If we are offended because they have rebellion in spirit, how would you suggest we respond? My husband and I have a few situations in our lives right now that deal with this very thing. Thank you for your thoughts and openess!
That’s a tough one, Clare. Off hand I think of Matthew 18:15ff where Jesus challenges us to lovingly confront those who have sinned against us. Or Luke 17:3-4 where He also touches on rebuking and forgiving. Sometimes though we just see rebellion in others — not that they are sinning against us personally but in general we hurt for them because they aren’t living ‘right”. If they are a brother or sister then I believe it’s clear in the Word that we are called to confront them in love. In love. In love (and humility). Because only by God’s grace is that not us. If they do not hear us then we are just called to love and pray for them — releasing them to their Maker. Praying you have wisdom, my friend. He will faithfully guide.
That’s exactly how we’ve proceeded and the responses to us have been to distance themselves from us. At this point we are just waiting and praying.Thank you!
just what i needed today. I am afraid my wall is about to collapsed, or maybe it already has. 🙁 its awful how the devil takes that 1 thought and blows it up and causes that division. thanks for this…
The thought life amazes me. We can so quickly become entangled. Praying with you that we would be women who honor those we’re called to love, even with our thought-lives. Blessings, sister. God is always grace.
so true. “exploring the root” — yes! we must first take the time to look inward and upward. thanks for sharing.
what a true and convicting post. and the part about exploring the root was very helpful. i repent of being critical and desire to be changed. let my words build up and my eyes see good and may i give grace.
He is so faithful to cleanse and then heal us. You are precious, friend. A beautiful daughter of the King.
This is beautifully said. Living together with an understanding spirit is so key in a successful marriage.
I wrestle with this a lot…in the name of “loving” those I care about, and wanting what’s best for them–for them to walk in freedom. These points are very helpful & a great reminder today, for me to trust and wait, allowing the Spirit to work in the lives of those I love. He is faithful.
Yes, trust. Trust that He is faithfully working what He began. He never fails.
This is a hard thing for me. I to was very critical of my husband and needed a “wake up call” from God in order to even realize that my thoughts and words were really hurting my marriage. Thank you for sharing your struggles so openly!
Hi Lara, I love how you mentioned a few different times about encouraging us to say things out loud! It’s a proven fact that our learning increases when we speak it out! Isn’t that awesome? 🙂 Thanks for your great words shared! -Blessings, Amy