Just to set the stage, I’m a Recovering People-Pleaser (RPP). Nice to meet you.
The other day I opened up one of my “go-to” books — you know, a book that you go back to again and again because it always does something for you or in you, like smashing my comfy world into tiny pieces. Yep. The Calvary Road by Roy Hession does that for me. (And it’s free, soooo…)
Anyway, I was re-re-re-reading the first chapter and Hession said, “Every humiliation, everyone who tries and vexes us, is God’s way of breaking us, so that there is a yet deeper channel in us for the life of Christ.” Let that quote sink for a minute.
In other words, every single difficulty in life is yet another chance to crucify self so that the life of Christ can arise in and through us. And that is a gift. And that irritates me. Because I like my self. Or at least my self convinces me I do, like when I insist on my rights or my ways or my views. But Jesus say over and over that to follow Him means we have to die to self.
So yeah, that re-rocked me. But here’s the part that really really flipped me upside down. I was talking to God about this idea of relational difficulties being a gift so that I’m a deeper channel for the life of Christ, and it hit me.
As a people-pleaser — ahem, recovering people-pleaser — every time I try to live up to someone else’s expectations rather than simply flowing in the fulness of God’s Spirit where He leads in the moments, I actually hinder God’s work in that other person. You with me?
If I’m trying to please people by allowing their expectations to guide me rather than allowing God’s Spirit to guide me, then I’m not allowing God to fully use me as He intends in the other person’s life. Because when I “try and vex” them — simply because I’m not living up to their expectations — that’s actually an opportunity God wants to use in their life to free them from their self as well.
Drop. the. mic. Or not…because I have more to say.
This is HUGE for us recovering people-pleasers. Because, two things, (1) you and I can’t please people. We can’t. It isn’t possible. Especially those people in our lives with lofty expectations. And (2) it’s not our job to please people. Even the people we dearly love.
It’s our “job” to love The Lord with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength and then, out of the overflow of that love, we love others as He leads. The hard thing for people-pleasers is that loving others as God leads often looks different from loving others as they expect or desire us to love them.
“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
(Galatians 1:10)
A trite example. My kids. My son may think that a proper expression of my love for him would be for me to prepare him something brown and fried for every single meal. Because he basically only wants to eat chicken tenders. And pizza. But I know in my spirit — and my brain — that feeding him those things at every meal isn’t best for him. It wouldn’t be an expression of my love.
That may mean he skips a meal because there’s something green on his plate. Or that may mean he has to be excused from the table for a craptacular attitude. And that may mean that he doesn’t feel my love in those moments. But I do love him. And as his parent it would be foolish for me to try to live up to his expectations.
People-pleasers, we gotta stop. Let’s stop trying to please everyone around us. Because we can’t and it’s not our job. God is all the time doing a work in all of us, and sometimes that includes our desires (or theirs) not being fully met.
Yes, we want to love others and love them well and bend to bless them. But when we cross over into the realm of people-pleasing at the expense of living life being led by the Holy Spirit of God, then we’ll actually get in the way.
God has freedom for us recovering people-pleasers. And freedom comes as we set our eyes on Him rather than on the expectations of other people. He will faithfully lead. And His leading will have eternity in mind.
Fill me, Lord…
Any recovering people-pleasers out there? Can I get a witness as to the world-rocking-ness of this truth?
A good word, friend.
Hugs, friend.
Mmmm. Now that is a good word for my Monday morning. Praise the Lord for His perfect love that surpasses my own ideas of love. Amen. #rppfistbump 🙂
#rppfistbump Love it.
Amen, sister!
Bless you, Tammy.
Thank you for this reminder. Yes! I needed it this Monday morning. And I also really needed the word “craptacular.” 😉 Praying for you this morning as you teach those little people. <3
We all need the word “craptacular,” don’t we? 😉
Yes I’ve spent a life time trying to people please in order to feel better about me. See theedgeofunderstanding.blogspot.com . But it’s never worked and left me fake, shallow and angry. Only becoming sincerely me, which means unbecoming everything else that’s not God’s perfect design for me, is bringing freedom. I love your blog. Thank you for sharing your journey. 🙂 It’s good to remind each other that we all struggle with the same issues.
“Unbecoming everything else that’s not God’s perfect design for me…” So good. Thank you for your comment!
I needed this reminder, thanks for the way your words explain your thoughts .
Be blessed.
Blessings to you, SJ.
I’m an “RPP” too and am loving your “Life Giver” devotional. Thanks so much for your encouraging words!!
Oh my gosh! This post made my night after just trying to people please my brother. Thank you for the timely wake up call. You’re so inspirational and definitely have the gift of shining God’s Word on the world 🙂
YES, YES, YES~ you can get a witness!!! RIght here from a fellow RPP. I soo needed to hear this! Thank you! And the added bonus is a new word to add to my mommy vocabulary…”craptacular” – love it! 🙂
I find I spend more and more time with “my people” just not saying anything. As a recovering RPP, fortunately I had started breaking that habit before kids. So most of my parenting years have not been about pleasing them because I am all about wanting them to be “holy, not happy”. It does get so hard though when they are living out those craptacular ‘tudes in full high def surround sound. My 8yr old daughter in particular has taken to screaming ‘you don’t love me” and wailing all.the.time. Yesterday, the hours from breakfast to bed time felt like they would never end. She so affectionately screamed it at me one last time as I kissed her head, left her room, and told her to have sweet dreams. Ah, parenting. It is just a daily reminder that I am not here to fill their needs and they will not fill mind. Digging deep into God’s word with them today and binding them to Him instead. This semester’s CBS study of Job is good meat for us.