I was only three days in, people. Three. Days. We (loosely) homeschooled last year for the first time which was…interesting. And hard. And hard. (Yep. Double-hard.) But I headed into this fresh year-two with optimism and a (sometimes fake) smile.
We bought new school supplies. We went shoe shopping. I got a big map rug and big map puzzle and big map beach ball, because that’s what homeschool people do. I was ready — like jaw-clinched, this-thing-aint-taking-me-down-this-time ready.
And three days in, I melted. Crumbled. Collapsed under the weight of three kids at three different levels asking eight million two hundred forty-six thousand three hundred sixteen questions an hour. Crumbled.
Halfway through the third morning I told my children that I was officially done. (They thought I meant for the day, but I really mean for.ever.) And then I locked myself in the bathroom with a crazed-look in my eye going through a mental roladex of every single school in a twenty-mile radius of our home wondering if I could still enroll them for this Fall. Bye freakin’ bye.
Don’t you feel so sorry for me with my first-world problems.
Breathe.
Then I had a moment of clarity from Jesus and sent out a tearful SOS to some dear friends, and to my mother, for prayer. Because I was (hormonally) desperate for some clarification that I was even on the right road with this h@m&$c#00l insanity. And that if I was to continue in this…journey…that God needed to do something really huge in me because I was certain that I would lose my ever-loving mind teaching my precious boy to read. For the love!
Three. Days. In.
My mom told me to bring the kids over so that I could have some time to refocus. She took them to the pool. I sat in her kitchen with Jesus and asked Him to talk to me. And in my spirit, I heard Him say, “Lara, what do you want?”
What do I want?
I knew what He meant. I knew that He meant, “What desires have I put in you in recent months as you have spent time worshipping me?” (Psalm 37:4) So I got a scrap piece of paper and started a list.
“I want them to know you and love you more than they know and love anything else on this planet. And I want to reflect you to them.” Pause. Crickets. Pause. “And I want them to learn this stuff that I’ve bought to teach them. I want them to learn it. But I need help. I need wisdom. I need some space to myself at times! I don’t know what the heck I’m doing and I feel like I’m suffocating.” I can be a little dramatic.
Then, I can’t really trace how it all happened, but He led my thoughts to some practical things we could change with regard to how we schedule our day. He calmed me internally and guided me externally (through YouTube and the blog-o-sphere and friends). He lifted my head. He kept me from running. And the next day, the changes He led me to make actually worked for us! Imagine that.
Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 29:12-13)
I’m not one of those who always wanted to homeschool. And I’m not one who thinks that homeschooling is the only best choice. In fact, if I’m totally honest, I fight against jealousy as I watch my friends on Instagram wave good-bye to their sweet little people while I bury myself in phonics sounds and stories of explorers in the New World. Which I am totally dumb about. But homeschooling is where God has our family this year. And I believe that He’s led us here for good, holy reasons. And He’s meeting us right in the midst of it with blessings of Himself, now five days in.
Just because something is hard, doesn’t mean we’re on the wrong road. In fact, anything that strips us of self and teaches us greater dependence on Jesus is a gift.
These days, homeschooling is my personal messy place. It’s not earth-shattering or world-altering yet, but it’s where we are. And wherever we find ourselves — whatever the mess, big or small — God can be found. He wants to be found. And whenever we press into Him, He ushers in His peace and joy and love and hope and wisdom for our journey. Amen for grace.
And a word to those who are now worried for me or my children, I promise I’m OK. God is faithfully meeting me. He’s showing me His blessings in this journey. And…I adore my kids.
Fill me, Lord…
Want to join me in baring your soul? Share a time when you felt like running away but you pressed into God and He lifted your head.
Lara, thank you for a good laugh and for being so open this morning! I too am about to begin my 2nd year homeschooling and anticipate much of what you’re going through. The reminder of God being with us and setting us on this journey is such a comfort :). I pray God will heap His blessings on all of us homeschool mommas this year!!
~Sarah
Yes. Heap in the blessings. Praying for and with you. 😉
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve felt this way during my 11 years of homeschooling I could put my kids in a really good private Christian prep school. I’m ashamed to admit it but I’ve actually thrown expensive homeschool textbooks across the room in a fit of frustration. I was the mother who said she’d never, ever homeschool. Then God called me to it. I can see how he uses all the hard things to make this resourceful, self-sufficient heart of mine completely dependent upon him. I needed Him to teach my last child how to read and I need Him more than ever for high school chemistry. Just like He did with you, God has directed me back to my “why” many times. Thank you for sharing the truth about homeschooling. Just another way your words encourage us every day.
He’s so good to lead us back to our own “why.” Hoping this school year goes great for you, flying textbooks and all. 🙂
Stacy, I’m right there with you. I said homeschooling would happen over my dead body, hahaha, when my hubby first brought it up. Now we’re in year 10 with a highschooler, middle schooler, and two elementary schoolers. 🙂 I found it’s helpful to talk through the reasons with my husband two to three times per year and breathe through those tough days. Or maybe just go to the zoo, LOL.
I wanted to cry happy tears as I read this; I am in the same boat! Like, same boat, same side of the boat, same size life jacket. “Just because something is hard, doesn’t mean we’re on the wrong road. In fact, anything that strips us of self and teaches us greater dependence on Jesus is a gift.” THIS is truth I needed to desperately to hear today. I raise my coffee mug to thee, Lara. Let’s do this!
I wish we were neighbors. That is all.
I can’t bare my soul because you already did … pretty much word for word … Thank you for your honesty and for pointing us to God.
Bless you, Tammy. Believing that our God will continue to lift our heads when needed.
Oh, you’ve got my number, girlfriend, and you KNOW I’ve been here dozens of times. I’m just a text away for some veteran-but-still-surrendering-self-mama homeschool encouragement. xoxo
“Just because something is hard, doesn’t mean we’re on the wrong road. In fact,anything that strips us of self and teaches us greater dependence on Jesus is a gift.”
Love. Thanks for sharing your heart with us. You are not alone. 🙂
I too have a hard time with school . I have to let my children go to school ; I am not called to home school and I wish I was. I actually love being that stay at home mom !!! The do all no outside job mom. Now though it’s changing. I am needing prayer , I have two special needs children and I also have health needs not to mention my non believing husband. God does the spiritual leading through me and teaching mom ming and am null other things am nulled I am tired overwhelmed and just plain feeling unloved am null den alone. Not by God but by others . It’s hard. I understand the calling of what is this….???? Praise the Lord though !!! Let’s pray for one another. One if the best ways to home school is to let the kids know I dot know that answer, you have to look it up and don’t give up !! I love to see the pride they feel when they have found out they can learn and find things on their own. It’s awesome! God bless you all !!
Well, one homeschool Mom to another, this is my year 6 homeschooling, and for me it was Day #4. I fell apart by the end of the day, and spent the weekend praying over what I need to do differently. I’m looking forward to this week, because the Lord led me in some reorganization as well and I feel a little more free. Still need Him every hour, because I’m a massive introvert homeschooling 4 kids, the youngest being 3 and desperately needy for attention. 🙂 About as desperate as I am for quiet time alone {no questions asked}. Thanks for sharing this…somehow it helps to remember I’m not the only one struggling through it many days…enjoying it immensely others, but lots and lots of moments of struggle are part of it.
This is super encouraging for me. This is our first year homeschooling. 3rd grade, Kindergarten & I’m expecting our 3rd child. We’re also moving. 🙁 I’m not silly enough to think there won’t be days where I’m feeling overwhelmed. This post reminds me where my help comes from. And as simple as it is, we’re often so quick to forget as well. Here’s to a great homeschool year for your family & mine
Not sure how I even got to your blog (but win!) and I don’t even homeschool (yet – I have a two year old) — but your words really encouraged me. I needed this especially —> “Just because something is hard, doesn’t mean we’re on the wrong road. In fact,anything that strips us of self and teaches us greater dependence on Jesus is a gift.” Because I am infertile and my adopted daughter is the best miracle but between normal two year old antics and my own anxiety, I have felt lately that THIS IS SO HARD and maybe we shouldn’t have prayed to adopt. Lies. Stinking lies. I needed to be reminded that “hard” is not “wrong road” – it’s stripping me down to the places where I have to put face to dust and ask Jesus to parent in me, through me, as me. Thanks for this reminder. Grateful.
Lara.. Thank you for this. I honestly thought I was the only one that felt this way. This is my first year and I crumbled on my second day in. I felt like I was failing my daughter. Didn’t know what to teach her or really honestly didn’t remember much been out of school for so many years how was I going to do this how was I going to teach her if anything. I don’t remember anything at all. But the basics. Was she going to be behind was she going to be able to say she learned anything her fourth grade year. So many myths I thought homeschooling children should be way smarter then public school children. What would people say? When they asked her questions was she able to say what she learned.. No because I couldn’t teach her. I know I was for sure called by God to homeschool my children but how if I don’t know what I’m doing!!?? :/. Even now we’re 2 weeks in and I feel discouraged don’t know what to do with her. I’m not a teacher that’s not my gift. Seems like daily I walk away because I’m so frustrated I put it off every time I feel I can’t do it. I feel like such a failure. Did I make the right decision and still sometimes I feel she’s better off in public school. My heart breaks everything I think about it. That’s not what I want. I’ve been on every homeschooling website received so many suggestions a day still what am I doing!!!??? Please help., I’ve cried out to God asking him to help but I just can’t see my way through this. Any suggestions!!!!???
Dear sisters, how I hope there has been some encouragement in our homeschool living day by day. Truly it IS such a great task, indeed too much for us on our own strength, and though I see my failings all the time, and am broken and struggling in it, I must have faith that He has begun a work I us – and He will do it. I too fall into fear over my many failings and inabilities, and truly, truly, I think that the kids learn what they need when they need it and oftentimes without my teaching. I’m there, I support, but I don’t direct, I seldom lead. Dear Lord, please lead us, guide our thoughts and our lives, please dear Lord, help us as we grow with our kids at home.
Wish to add a daring comment about homeschooling. Ever ventured into peeking at relaxed homelearning, or Christian unschooling – which means following the spirit, going with the flow, learning through living which happens all the time – growing without formal schooling, even to some extent letting it go and trusting the development of God’s amazing creation. I continue to open myself to these ways of learning. I am often amazed, often perplexed, often questioning, and often blessed. I suggest activities, we discuss much, we explore and enjoy, one minute at a time. It’s an adventure.