I’ve experienced how damaging it can be when we step outside of God’s design for sex. Which is partly why I’m hyper-sensitive to the inevitable sexuality of my kids.
Culture has changed so much from when I was a girl. Now there’s the internet and cell phones and pornography and sexting. Can I please put my kids in a bubble until they’re…with Jesus?
The truth is, we can’t hide them away. We’re not supposed to. The Lord calls us as parents to train up our kids in His ways. He commissions us to teach sexuality as He designed it and then release them to reflect His love in this world.
As long as our kids live on this planet, they will face sexual choice. So here’s some parental encouragement as we seek to lay a good foundation for holy sexuality. And yes, there is such a thing.
- Use correct terminology. We’ve always used anatomically correct words for “private” areas. Which is why I almost choked when my then-three-year-old daughter tried to process the difference between boys and girls, “So all boys have a p#*%$, mommy? Daddy has a p#*%$? And Pawpaw has a p#*%$? And Mr. Jones next door has a p#*%$?” I said with pursed lips, “Yes. Baby. They all do…Look how pretty the sky looks today.”
Using the correct words may feel uncomfortable at first, but it gives kids the ability to talk intelligently and clearly about their bodies. - Keep the conversation open. Families do this in a number of ways. But one way we’re trying to keep the conversation open, it by walking through a series called God’s Design for Sex. The series has four age-appropriate books that you read with your kids. And yes, some giggling is included.
Having a book series to help guide the conversation empowers us as parents in those more difficult, but necessary, topics of discussion. - Don’t freak out. At least not to their face. I want my kids to come to me with their questions. So I’m praying that as they grow, I will keep a calm face and quiet voice when they want to talk about sexual things. We can freak out once they leave the room.
- Talk about their future spouse. Granted, not everyone marries. And we need to be sensitive to that possibility. But at night when I’m tucking my kids into bed, they hear me pray for their possible future spouse. I pray for their spouse to know and love the Lord. And I pray that they stay pure until marriage. Talking about their future spouse, even from a young age, lays a foundation for respectful “dating” in the future.
- Pray. Pray. And then pray some more. Did I say pray? This. is. so. key. Bottom line, you and I cannot change the hearts of our children. Only God can change hearts. So we ask Him. We go to Him and intercede on behalf of our kids.
I often pray that He would give them the desire to remain sexually pure. I pray that God would protect them from sexual perversion. I pray that He would give them a love for His ways. Remember, we wrestle against principalities of darkness. The fervent prayer of the righteous mom or dad availeth much! - Rest in God’s absolute faithfulness. This may be the hardest thing for us to do, because we like to control things. But God. is. faithful! That doesn’t mean that our kids won’t make mistakes. That doesn’t mean they will always flee from sin or turn their eyes away. But regardless, God remains faithful!
If they are His — if that have accepted Him as their Lord — then they can never hide from His presence. He will finish what He started. We can choose to rest there.
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
Philippians 1:6
I’m not claiming expertise. Believe. Me. We’re still in the early stages of teaching sexuality.
But just imagine the impact if we as parents stand side-by-side, diligently training up this generation in sexuality as He intended.
Imagine the possible assault on pornography or teen pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases!
Imagine the beauty.
Fill me, Lord…
What other advice can you give to fellow parents as we seek to lay a good foundation for sexuality?
What resources do you recommend?
Very practical tips, Lara! This post is so needed.
I’ve been looking for a book series like the one you recommended. Someone told me Focus on the Family made one, but this series from Nav Press looks great. I can’t wait to see how language and topic changes from book to book, because if I’ve heard “age-appropriate” once I’ve heard it a thousand times. And just what is that?! Maybe now I’ll know.
Well, I must admit that the second book says ages 5-8 but my six year old is NO where near ready to hear it. Or maybe I’m just not ready. I do however think it is said very well and would still recommend it — just using parental discretion as to when you move through each book. But just so you know we read the first one even when my youngest was three.
(Lord, help us. Literally.)
I have the series and also have to say that my son was not ready to hear the stuff in the second book until he was closer to turning 8. I read the books to my children every few months or so. It seems like each time I read it, they grasp a little more. It’s also good to lead into a discussion about good-touch/bad-touch and keeping our private parts private, except for when mommy or daddy (or grandma) gives a bath or at the doctors when mommy or daddy are there with them. Being a victim of childhood sexual abuse, this sort of discussion (keeping private parts private) is extremely important to me, as I think it should be to all parents.
Elizabeth, this can easily be one of my fears. I have to continually lay it before our God trusting that He will be forever faithful. (Thankful with you for your own personal healing!)
my 10yo got two phone calls last night from a boy she’s been crushing on since last year … oh glory help me!! thanks for these very, very important words today!
Oh girl! Praying you have wisdom. I know He has prepared you for this. I just know it. Xoxo
Great wisdom, friend. In this depressing sex-crazed world we have to stay hopeful for our kids. I struggle with that sometimes. But I think it is so important. Not assuming they’ll go along with the stereotype (just because it is all around them), but praying for better…and then BELIEVING better can actually happen!!! As you said, God is always faithful. Thanks for holding me accountable in this.
Yes, believing. You always hold me accountable to the “believing.” Love you, sweet sister-friend.
Beautiful, beautiful friend. I love your heart and agree with your tips. Just the other day I had an opportunity to freak out when my son asked me a sex question. But God allowed me to handle it with grace. We prayed together, and I walked away feeling thankful that he felt he could come to me with his questions, no matter how much I wish he didn’t have them yet.
What a special moment, Brooke! (In a I-wish-I-didn’t-have-to-have-this-special-moment type of moment.) You’re such a great mom; I know because he came to you. 😉 Blessings, friend.
This is some good stuff here Lara. My kids are 6 and 4, so we are just starting to have those very basic conversations. I am certainly getting those books!
I did work as an abstinence educator for many years talking to kids from 5th grade through college about sex and dating. As someone who signed a “True Love Waits” card at the age of 14 and then forgot all about it at the ripe old age of 19, I can’t agree with your advice here enough. So many parents are afraid to talk to their kids about this subject, and rather than have small conversations over the course of their childhood, they try and cram everything in to one big “talk” that leaves both parties feeling awkward and embarrassed.
I also worked at a CareNet pregnancy center and I can’t tell you how many sweet girls who were raised in church by parents who loved Jesus came through our doors. So many pregnant Christian girls! Some parents really think that being in church and being part of a youth group is enough. It is not enough! God gave us our children to raise and teach; He did not drop them at the door of a church to be raised.
Someone *is* going to be having regular conversations with our children about sex. The world is talking to them every. single. day. We need to be the voice they hear most clearly on a subject that is so important to them and to their future generations.
{I may have hopped up on my soapbox for a minute there… sorry!}
Such great thoughts, Jenn. I love when you said that someone *is* going to be having regular conversations with them about sex. That is so true! I want them to know the difference between the world’s voice and God’s voice. And I also love your point about having small conversations over the course of their childhood rather than one “big talk.” Thanks so much for commenting (soapbox or not). 🙂
Great thoughts! I can very much relate to your hyper-sensitivity. Premarital sex permeated essentially every generation in our family. When our boys were young, that was “my thing.” I begged God to break the cycle so that our boys wouldn’t have to experience the consequences, etc. One day as I was driving & listening to Christian radio, the speaker – who was much further down the parenting road – shared having the same desires, but concluded with a warning. He essentially said, “The goal of “Christian parenting” is not to have a child walk down the aisle a virgin… but to have them walk down the aisle in love with Jesus. Some parents are MORE concerned with the moral purity of their children than their relationship with the Lord…”
Nailed!! The Holy Spirit clearly revealed that I had allowed my desire for their sexual purity to become an “idol,” and while it was – and is! – something I still pray for our boys about, it’s not the “goal” now, but a prayed for outcome of their relationship with Christ.
Thanks, Lara, for always challenging us to live out truth, and for keeping Jesus central in all things. Wish you had been in my life 25 years ago! 🙂
Oh Diana, that. is. so. good! Seriously. Isn’t it amazing how even the “best” desires can become idols. I’ve experienced it too (particularly in my marriage). Such wise advise to all of us to be aware of *anything* — even honorable things — stealing our “worship.” You are a blessing!
Would the prayer of #5 above be both privately and with your children?
I think it just depends on the age of the child. It would be way too much information for younger children. But teens, yes. I think those prayers for purity are definitely appropriate to pray with older kids — especially if/when they seek us out for counsel.
In my zeal yesterday I totally forgot to share one of my favorite resources! Cru Press (Campus Crusade) has two books for college-age people that are so, so good. These were paradigm-shifters for me as a speaker. “Fantasy” for girls and “Flesh” for guys. I used parts of these with 10th graders at my church as well. They cover lots of stuff (including pornography and the “m” word), but the soul-searing question they ask that completely changed how I approached sex talks with teens was this: “Do you value your pleasure above His glory?”
And for older teens (and grown-ups, for that matter) who are already dealing with sexual sin, John Piper gave a talk at Passion ’07 that is SO GOOD. “How to Deal With the Guilt of Sexual Failure for the Glory of Christ and His Global Cause.” It’s on iTunes and worth the $3.49.
Great infomation, love the comments, this subject is not for mother’s only to talk to their children, father’s need to talk with their children also, sure would like to see the father’s comments. 🙂