My kids and I (loudly) made our way into Target. I got them the dollar popcorn — mainly because it keeps them occupied while I get what I need. Then we went over to the girls’ section.
As I flipped through the clearance rack I noticed a boy in a wheelchair near the end-cap looking at the X-Box games. His mom sat close in her own wheelchair, encouraging him as he struggled to put an unwanted game back on the shelf. But he dropped it. And he physically couldn’t bend down to get it. Neither could she.
flickr photo credit
Moving passed differences into love.
I have to admit, I typically find myself tongue-tied around people with special needs. I feel like I don’t know what to say and then I say dumb things out of ignorance. And then it feels like a pink elephant dropped into the room and I want to hide.
So I recently decided to ask for advice. Because I’m of the mindset that if I don’t know something, then I need to just ask. Not in a rude, demanding way, but in a “I’m really not that smart and need help” kind of way.
So I polled two friends who have children with special needs. And they gave me some really good advice on what to do, and not do, and what to say, and not say. And I thought I would share a couple of key things. Because I figure if I feel all fumble-y then maybe someone else does too. And we can all learn together how to better bless those around us.
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.
1 John 4:7
I asked these moms individually and privately but they were in agreement. The number one thing? These moms want people to *see* their children. Really see them. They want others to notice, not ignore. To include, not avoid. Whether it’s in a conversation or a game at the park, these moms desire for people to invite their children in.
Granted, depending on the child, he or she may not be able to converse or able to play exactly like some of the other kids, but letting them know that we see, and that we want to interact, reinforces their God-given value. God. Given. Value.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14
They also both warned of the same thing. “Whatever you do, don’t ask, ‘What’s wrong with him (or her)?'” And for them both to warn of the same thing, tells me that people have often asked that question. Lord, help us.
Words affect. To ask “What’s wrong with him?” implies that his or her struggles are a mistake. That somehow this precious child slipped out of God’s hands and something went terribly “wrong.”
But that doesn’t flow well with my theology. God is sovereign. He knits children together in their mother’s womb. (Psalm 139:13, 15) Purposefully. He breathes life into each of us. And if He allows a child to be born with challenges, He does so with infinite reason. He works absolutely all things together for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 6:28)
We need His truths seared onto our souls. We need His truths stirring in our spirits. Because His truths are rooted in His love. And when love fills us, love spills out of us.
That boy in Target? I went over to him with my kids following behind me. I picked up the fallen video and spoke to him, “You don’t want this one?” His mom said no and thank you. I put it back on the shelf. Then I looked him in the eyes — the eyes His Maker crafted — and I smiled.
I wonder what plans God has for him.
Fill me, Lord…
How have you reconciled this struggle? Or am I alone on this one?
Good words, Lara. I have struggled at times as well. Thank you for sharing this. Praying for you, sweet friend.
Thanks, friend. You are so faithful to pray for others. xoxo
Lara – You are not alone on this one! I tend to struggle with balancing helping with not looking like I’m pitying. I need to tune my heart to God’s promptings, so I can balance that better.
I totally know what you mean about not appearing to be pitying. I guess it just comes down to what you said, tuning our heart to God’s promptings. Filling our souls with true, love things so that true, love things come out. (Miss chatting with you, Alle!)
Lara, admittedly I don’t comment often here – some days your words stay with me as I chew on them throughout the day. This post is simple and wonderful reminder that we all are created in His image and He sees the beauty in each of us! May we all learn to see through His eyes!
Well I’m glad you did comment. 🙂 It’s so easy to notice the differences, when in actuality we’re all the same. We all crave the same thing…love. Blessings to you, friend.
I have absolutely loved the opportunity to get to know the teacher in my school who runs the special needs composite room. It has really helped me to watch the interaction of the adults to the students . . . and helped me to know how I fit in the whole scheme.
I loved this post, Lara. So very important! *hugs*
Thanks Meredith. It helps me too when I can see with my eyes how others interact. I bet that teacher has some amazingly sweet stories to tell.
Love this! so often I’ve struggled in finding the line between being lovingly helpful and pitying… I see pity as insulting and enervating, so I definitely want to avoid that! I’ve often ended up “not seeing”, sometimes because I don’t know what else to do (that awkward, embarrassed thing), and sometimes because (as someone suspected to be on the autistic spectrum) that’s what I’d want others to do for me.
It has helped me a lot to be a busy mama with, sometimes, too much to do… When I’ve got a tot on each arm and a cart full of items and a cranky or bored or busy preschooler along shopping and something falls, I get to experience that feeling of being unable to pick up what I need to… and I get to experience others’ ways of helping and see what feels good, so I can do it for another who, for whatever reason, is unable to pick up what they need to (or whatever the need is) :0)
(isn’t there a line somewhere about comforting with the comfort that you were comforted with?? (0; )
Great post, friend 🙂
Lara, I read your posts and never comment…I don’t know why, I just don’t 😉 I am a mother to an amazing 9 year-old little boy who happens to have “special needs”. I agree with your post, and if he was able to construct sentences, am sure he would agree as well. Thank you for your post 🙂
I want to thank you for this post for two reasons. One, I have a son with Autism and ADHD and although he is what the world collectively calls “high functioning”, it is always apparent to others that he is “a bit off” or that “something is wrong with him”. He is often ignored by his peers. It is heart breaking to watch…even though he appears not to notice. But the second reason is because I struggle every day with his disabilities and my feelings of inadequicy in dealing with and nuturing him. And what you said about
“And if He allows a child to be born with challenges, He does so with infinite reason” really hit home. A good friend of mine once told me, when I was struggling with this issue, that “God made him just they way he was meant to be, so just love him.” I just really needed to hear that, as I did from you today. So thank you.
I relate extremely well with this. I myself have both ADHD and was recently confirmed on the spectrum. It hurts and breaks my heart to feel so excluded by people, mostly because they just don’t get it. They don’t get it because they don’t ask.
Lara, my sister shared this post with me and I appreciate your viewpoint and your efforts to step outside “your” world and see the value in someone different. I work with an organization called PURE Ministries that has a goal of awakening Christians in America to reach out to individuals with disabilities – just like what you did at Target! Thanks for taking a small step to reach out!
This is so true! From a mom…..