I had other thoughts to post this week on the blog, but early yesterday morning I found out that a dear friend is having to walk through a dark, unexpected life “nightmare”. And my words paused.
I remember walking through my dad’s death years ago. One of the harshest realities for me was seeing the world continue on as if nothing happened. My world had been rocked and flipped upside-down but everything else on the planet moved along as if nothing had changed.
There’s devastation every day. People get slammed with unwanted, unexpected news all the time. Until Jesus comes, that will be our human plight. So what do we do when someone we love faces a dark reality? Well…we learn from Job’s friends. Remember them?
Three of Job’s friends heard that Job had lost absolutely ev.er.y.thing and they ached for him. They came to him and wept for him and sat completely silent with him for seven days and seven nights. They didn’t speak a word until Job broke the silence.
When a friend’s wounds are fresh, the very best thing we can do is sit silent with them. Our presence, not our words, brings the greatest comfort.
In fact, Job’s friends counseled him perfectly in their silence. It wasn’t until they started talking that they caused him even greater distress. Specifically when they tried to discern the “why” behind Job’s devastation.
Here’s the thing. Write it down. Tattoo it…somewhere. Laminate it on pretty paper. Whatever. But may we remember…
You and I cannot discern all of God’s “whys”.
Ever.
We can’t discern God’s “whys”. We only see a sliver of time and a moment of the eternal picture. So when we start posing theories to the one in the midst of the fire, we often leave them feeling worse.
Not only that. When life is raw and emotions are high, people don’t want to hear how much God loves them. Or how He’s going to use this for their good and His glory. Those are true things. Absolutely true. And there’s definitely a time and place to gently remind of that reality. But when pain is raw, we humans need space and time to grieve with our God.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18
God knows. He’s so tender to our pain. He remembers that we’re short-sighted humans. And He isn’t shocked or intimidated with emotion. He’s close to the brokenhearted. He’s near His children when we walk through dark nightmares. He comforts those who lay before Him as a crumbled mess with unexplainable peace.
I pray that we have wisdom to know when to speak, what to speak, and when to be silent when those we love walk dark days. Lord, put a guard on our mouths that we may bring hope in the darkness rather than fuel to the pain.
Things that comfort when a friend’s emotion is raw:
Our quiet presence
A listening ear
A time of prayer with the one hurting, calling on the God of all comfort
A note that simply says we’re praying
Bring them a meal
Remember her or him a week/month after the onset of devastation with a call or note
Fill me, Lord…
What has comforted you in the past when you have walked through an unexpected valley in life?
This is perfect! I lost my
Oops! Sorry. I love my mother suddenly a few years ago and I think this post is beautiful. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks Amy. Healing from the wounds of death is a slow process. God is faithful to comfort but it does take time. He’s so gracious to remember we’re “dust”.
Just show up in some way, in love. When my daughter was diagnosed with cancer many close friends and family couldn’t handle it and disappeared. That is a hard reality to face and another liss to mourn. Also deal with your own fears and questions apart from the person/family suffering. We had some very inappropriate things said and asked to us and in front of our daughter.
Sweet friend. You definitely know. Really wise comment. Thanks for sharing. xoxo
So true!! Beautiful post!! I’ll always remember a dear friend suggesting that we sit in a field and watch the sun go down. This was during a very dark valley I was going through and grieving, he didn’t really speak, I was so numb I don’t think I could speak but just sitting there with me, knowing I wasn’t alone was the most comfort ever.
Jennifer, that image of you sitting together to watch the sunset is absolutely beautiful. Knowing we aren’t alone truly is comforting.
Wonderful perspective, Lara, written from a heart that has been broken in ways mine has not. Thank you. I was reminded of this too in a book I read this year that was precisely on this topic, except the author lost two young children to the same genetic disease. She uses, as you did, the example of Job throughout the book to teach believers how to understand grief and good, better, best ways of helping to comfort others. It’s called “Holding on to Hope” by Nancy Guthrie. One of the things she said that stuck with me is that we have to be careful as “outsiders” to just let our friends grieve and not to question their faith during those raw moments…be ready to remind them of truth at the appropriate time, but give them grace by understanding that grief is real and it is not an expression of a lack of faith.
I like when you said, “Be ready to remind them.” I think that is key because it implies that we are in conversation with God waiting on Him to show us when and how to speak. Grief is absolutely real and doesn’t show lack of faith. I love that when Job grieved in those early raw moments of hearing the devastating news, it says that he didn’t sin. God is so gracious with us.
You are spot on with such words of wisdom. We adopted a sibling group of 3 in 2000 and three months later my sister died from a heart attack at the age of 53. Her then 20 year old daughter became in essence my oldest child as i walked with her through the valley of grief for many years. Our adoption was heartbreaking because the oldest sibling we adopted had been sexually abused as a child and brought it into our own home. Years later at this discovery she went to a facility for sexually abused kids and never came back home, only to make false accusations against us. We risked losing both our bio and adopted children. At the same time my parents went from their home to a nursing home unprepared and suddenly. It was such a dark time in my life. Literally years of being poured out for others. Very few of my friends had any idea what to do or say so I was left to grieve alone except for my immediate family. I started blogging to tell my story and my main goal is to encourage other women in knowing they are not alone. Regardless of their situation God is the constant source of comfort. God is in the process of redeeming the years the locusts have eaten and I’m so grateful that He is my all in all.
Oh sister, what a dark season. Thank you for openly sharing. I think you nailed it when you said, “very few of my friends had any idea what to do or say so I was left to grieve alone…” We all mean well. We want to say things that bless. But often when we don’t know what to say or do we shy away from any contact. And that can be equally difficult. Praying that we all have eyes to see how we can be there for those we know who are walking dark days.
“When life is raw and emotions are high, people don’t want to hear how much God loves them. Or how He’s going to use this for their good and His glory. Those are true things. Absolutely true. And there’s definitely a time and place to gently remind of that reality. But when pain is raw, we humans need space and time to grieve with our God. ” Yes!!!! This.
Wow. I actually had to walk away from my computer while reading this at work to keep the tears at bay. While I’m not walking through physical grief or loss, I’m walking through a season that requires my utmost dependence on the Lord, and that in itself is hard, and can often leave me feeling raw. Your words today, on a day where my struggle is great and my fear is high, brings comfort. It’s as though God Himself is reminding me that He is near. And that He is holding me. Thank you!