I took a quick look at my blog stats the other day, specifically to find out what search terms people use to get here. And you know what it revealed? People are desperate for hope in their relationships, specifically their marriages.
Because let’s be honest. Marriages are straight up falling apart. Ours almost did. And as I’ve thought about why that keeps happening to marriages, specifically “Christian” marriages — beyond the whole “satan is out to destroy it” thing — I see one killer thought that lies at the core of broken, abandoned relationships. One thought that kills intimacy with, passion for, and pursuit of one another. The thought that kills, “I’m not where I’m supposed to be.”
I’m not where I’m supposed to be.
Whenever we camp out with that mindset and a carton of ice cream, we play right into the enemy’s hands. The enemy wants us to think that there’s someone else out there that will meet all our needs and make us perfectly happy. He wants us to take our eyes off of our spouse and turn them onto someone else, because he hates marriage. God designed marriage to to reflect Jesus and the church so if the enemy can get one person in the relationship to linger with the thought of another, then he gains ground.
And here I pause because I know that he has gained ground in so. many. marriages.
But what if we decide today that God really is sovereign. (Matthew 10:29) That His children aren’t at the mercy of circumstance or Satan. (Job 1) What if we decide to learn contentment with the now season of life — no matter how ridiculously painful it may be — rather than clamoring to escape. (Philippians 4:11) What if we raise our hands and trust that God really does have something that He’s doing that we cannot see or possibly even comprehend. (Isaiah 55:8) What if we decide to believe that God is bigger. (Psalm 147:3-6)
Look, I know that I know that relationships are messy and painful and hard and sacrificial and complicated and… But sanctification — that process of being transformed into a holy vessel — happens through the challenging fires of life. The times when we’re desperate for Jesus. The times when He’s all we’ve got. The times when we cling so tight to Him, even through tears saying, “I don’t know what You’re doing, but I trust You. Have Your way.” It’s then that we learn His sufficiency. And learning His sufficiency is LIFE to us.
I probably sound like I’m beating a dead horse. Which, for the record, is a disgusting image. But I’m telling you, friend, challenging relationships and messy marriages can serve as the greatest blessing to our lives. I know it sounds completely crazy — it is crazy — but the more challenging the situation, the more amazing we can see God to be. And the more amazing we see God to be, the more abundant our life truly becomes.
It’s upside down. But that’s how God does things. He almost always moves completely opposite of our natural inclinations. He does things that make no sense to our finite thinking — like loving our enemies and blessing those who hurt us? Are you kidding me? (Luke 6:27-28) But deep down, our soul craves His ways.
O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water…
My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night.
Psalm 63:1, 5-6
Marriage is hard, mainly because two selfish human beings are a part of it. Seriously. I’m a mess at heart. My husband is a mess at heart. Hope arises not when the other changes to line up with our expectations — even good expectations. Hope arises when we love regardless. Hope arises when we trust that God is sovereign over and has purpose even in this. When we stop trying to run and simply choose to pause with God, arms lifted in surrender to whatever cup He may have for us to drink.
It’s radical. It’s absolutely anti-cultural. But I’m pretty certain it’s Jesus-like — trusting God to lead and guide and move and provide even in the hard things. And I’m more than confident that God blesses those who seek after and rest in Him.
I’m not telling you what to do in your relationships — walk or stay. Only God can tell you what to do in that regard. But I am challenging all of us to replace that killer thought of “somewhere else” with something like, “Ok, Lord. This is where I am. So give me Your vision. Use me to love. Use me to reflect You. Use me to intercede. Use me for Your glory.”
It may be that first huge step towards radical transformation to our ever-searching souls.
Fill me, Lord…
How have you seen this kind of “killer thought” steal from your own marriage or relationships?
What could/do you think instead?
“But what if we decide today that God really is sovereign. (Matthew 10:29) That His children aren’t at the mercy of circumstance or Satan. (Job 1) What if we decide to learn contentment with the now season of life — no matter how ridiculously painful it may be — rather than clamoring to escape. (Philippians 4:11) What if we raise our hands and trust that God really does have something that He’s doing that we cannot see or possibly even comprehend. (Isaiah 55:8) What if we decide to believe that God is bigger. (Psalm 147:3-6) ”
preach it girl. I want to write this down and stick it all over my life.
Me too! I need constant reminding. Constant preachin’ to myself. (Oh and it was great to see you today, by the way!)
This is so hard for me. I see other marriages and couples looking so happy and I want MORE… I want my husband to take me on a romantic dinner like so and so raved about in bible study on Tuesday.. I want my husband to let me sleep in and take care of the kids, since I do it every other day.. like so and so posted about her’s on facebook. I want my husband to put his arm around me in church like the 5 couples sitting between the pastor and me were. I want my husband to look at me with those longing eyes and chase me around the kitchen.. like so and so’s husband does her. I want my husband to spiritually lead our family as Christ calls him to do and so and so’s husband does so well. and the list can go on and on forever.
I know .. I want.. I want.. nothing about what Christ wants. I wish in the moments I could see that it is the devil.. letting me look at these awesome things in other marriages and long for it in my own. Oh the pain it brings… the negative thoughts it brings…the fights it starts. The unhappiness and loneliness I feel. It chips away at my heart every single day. Even if I am home with the kids all day and I dont even see anyone else.. The thoughts the devil floods my mind with at the desperate moments.
I am thankful for Christ in my life. If not Him there, I would have left soooo many times. last week, last month, last year… Every time I think that way, I start praying hard for God to lead me to leave… for Him to CONFIRM it. For Him to tell me I deserve more…that my husband isn’t doing what he should. I plead with Him.. try to justify my reasons, and recount all the things he doesn’t do, as the longer the list…God would surely agree. RIGHT!?!!
And every single time I am thankful He DOESN”T. He shows me my husband from His eyes. At first I get mad and keep pleading my case… but then He softens my heart. Shows me that He created my husband just for me.. not for so and so. And that He created me for my husband… He shows me gently my faults..my sin….He brings my repentive heart screaming for forgiveness.
I hope as I grow in my faith that I can have less and less of these episodes. Our marriage is still very hard.. broken even. But I can’t give up on my husband.. because I will be giving up on my Jesus. I know my hope should rest in Him verses my Husband. I need to have these verses that Shannon commented about in my heart… They are powerful.
“But what if we decide today that God really is sovereign. (Matthew
10:29) What if we decide to learn contentment with the now season of
life — no matter how ridiculously painful it may be — rather than
clamoring to escape. (Philippians 4:11) What if we raise our hands and
trust that God really does have something that He’s doing that we cannot
see or possibly even comprehend. (Isaiah 55:8) What if we decide to
believe that God is bigger. (Psalm 147:3-6) ”
Thanks for this post. As hard as it was to read and reread. I needed it.
I am so thankful for your post! I have those exact feelings and sometimes wonder if I’m the only one. Only I haven’t come to the part where I can see my husband through Christ’s eyes yet. I am still at the very bitter stage. And I definitely know I would have left so many times if I didn’t believe God has a plan. Thank you both (for the blog and for the response post)!!
Bitterness definitely steals from us. God recently revealed some bitterness I was harboring in my own spirit. It’s such a miserable feeling. Thankfully He broke it in me — though it took some serious wrestling with my soul. Praying the same for you in that, sweet sister.
Comparing leads to misery. Try and think of the good things he already does for you.
I love how you came full circle. Thoughts will come. Comparisons will always tempt. But bringing thoughts captive to truth is absolutely key. Vocalizing those frustrations to The Lord and then replacing them with truth — that’s what you did. Press on, friend. Our God has purpose.
I think many married women wish their husbands were like some other husbands in the way they show affection, laugh, help, etc. However, not every person is alike. Some men don’t have it in them to be touchy feelie, or to be nurturing towards children, or be romantic. We need to be okay with the way they are and go to Jesus Christ with those needs in us that are unmet. I’m finally learning this after 36 years of sometimes rough marriage. God is faithful; He will do it! Hang in there, Janet! 🙂
Janet, I have been married for 20 years to a wonderful man. There is no one else like him on the earth…and for that reason I can’t compare him to other women’s husbands. There are many, many times that I do without–he’s not a gift-giver, he’s not one to say “I love you,” he doesn’t like to spend $ “unnecessarily,” and I could look at others and think, “I wish my husband would buy me flowers, I wish he’d take me out to dinner, I wish he’d buy me a birthday card, at least, or a birthday present, I wish he’d say he loves me….etc. There are 3 things that I want to say quickly: 1. be the wife God has called you to be–just because he doesn’t, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. You can be the one to give him a card, a hug, a note in his lunchbox, on his pillow, a candybar and note in his car, an unexpected kiss….in the Bible, love is a verb more than a noun….an action, not a feeling. Actively love your husband and the feelings will follow…2. Men don’t know what we want–they really don’t. Often they have no clue. So tell him if something is really important to you. Tell him when you want some flowers, some chocolate, a dinner out, sex….ask him, Can we afford it, Honey? Is there any way we can manage to get a babysitter, pay for a motel, have a night away–bowling, golfing, mini-golfing, a movie, a concert, whatever….work together to save money for it. 3. look for things that your husband does do well, or at least, does do, and thank him for doing those things. If he fills the car with gas, thank him. If you were single you’d have to do that yourself. If he mows the lawn, thank him. If you were single, you’d be mowing it yourself. If he fixes anything around the house, thank him. If you were single, you’d be trying to take care of broken items, the plumbing, the electric, etc. all yourself. Tell him, “I’m so glad that you’re here to do that. I haven’t a clue how to do that, or, if you do know how to change the oil in the car, but let him do it, say, “Thank you for doing the dirty work for me. I really didn’t have the time to do that today, and now I can cross it off of my “to do” list. I really appreciate you!” Just little things, but it’s a few words that make the difference to guys, as to whether they feel taken for granted, or appreciated by you. Remember, they really can’t read our minds. We need to tell them what we are thinking, just as they need to tell us. I hope this helps. Communication is always a struggle for every marriage. Oh, and a 4th thing: No marriage is perfect, no matter what it looks like on facebook or in a Bible Study. Sometimes women brag about what their husbands did or said to make themselves feel better, to convince themselves that their husbands really love them, or to impress others. There may be things that they don’t brag about. It’s never a good idea to compare and then feel bad about our own marriages. Far better to work on our relationships. Instead of announcing to everyone, to impress other people, it’s better to keep your own private journal and start counting all the ways that God has blessed you. Have you read One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp? Her blog is http://www.aholyexperience.com
This is so beautiful and true for all relationships. Every relationship – marriage, parenting, friends – have sinful people. Until at least one is willing to bow to God – it is doomed… until God resurrects it. Having lived through adultery, addictions, divorce and miscarriage – I have seen both sides of the coin. The side with me, sitting at the cross, submitting my own life is the one I desire and desire for so many to find. Love your desire to step out and step up – to be the voice for many hurting and seeking….
You are so right. “Every relationship.” They’re all messy and challenging. And yes, submission definitely ends much better than rebellion. (Learned that one the hard way too.) Good hearing from you, Rebecca!
I so appreciate the wisdom in this. Thank you, friend.
Thanks Natasha. 🙂
Loved this. Thank you. 🙂
Thanks Kara. 🙂
Beautiful…such wisdom. My husband and I have been married 34 years. My oldest son was married on Saturday and I so long for him to know this longevity in marriage. My parents have been married 56 years, my husband’s parents were married over 40. God has been at the center of all our marriages. No matter how hard, how painful, how frustrating marriage can be at times I still believe in the God of miracles to sustain, strengthen, heal and bind together in the power of His mighty love….”Two are better than one….a cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Ecclesiastes 3:12 Thank you for sharing such profound words. Nina Blevins, http://www.gracetolive.com
What a legacy, Nina. By His great grace! Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Radical love- love regardless- sovereign God- upside down living. Such a good word. I’m in.
Upside down living — the only way. xoxo
My friend posted this on facebook and I was skeptical that the assertion that “one thought that will kill a marriage.” So…I skeptically took a peek. I agree with the notion 100%. I agree because it murdered mine. I was married to a godly, funny, kind man…unfortunately he always had another woman in the back of his mind (who became an idol) and this was his downfall. When she contacted him on facebook when her marriage was failing…”the thought” became the only thing he thought about. I trusted him enough and loved him enough to make some very stupid choices. He left me unceremoniously (after 21 years of marriage, 2 teenagers and a 1 month old baby who was not “at mistake”). He divorced me unjustly. Last weekend he married her. He completely isolated himself from people who were begging him not to using pure scripture to counsel him. The most insidious and horrible thing about the whole thing is that he continues to put God’s name all over it…claiming that he is following God. I am going through the heartbreaking process of grief and forgiveness. God will redeem this horror. Word of the wise…the above post is absolutely right. Guard your hearts.
Jennie, I am so so sorry for your pain. Thank you for sharing your heart. I know it is extremely tender. I wish that my words could actually bring you some comfort but I know that ultimately only our God can minister healing, especially when the hurts are so raw. Trusting Him to be your faithful Daddy who sees you and knows you perfectly. The One who calls you beautiful and never grows weary of your conversations. The One who can lift and carry you through the darkness. Praying you are able to press into Him. Much love to you. Much love.