We spent last week at the beach. And wow. Going to the beach has a ridiculous way of drawing any and every insecurity I have right to the surface. Thank you, bathing suit.
Not only am I reminded of my post-baby(ies), nearing-40 body that will never return to pre-baby elasticity. I’m slowly learning to be OK with that. But seeing all the “skin” brings out so many emotions, specifically regarding those I love who have wrestled and wrestled and wrestled with lust. (I think that’s why that video about the “evolution of the swim suit” hit me so hard.)
Granted, sex and everything sexual will forever be a temptation. I mean, God brilliantly created sex to be really good. He placed within humans a sexual desire for one another. And regardless of the cultural fashion trends — from bikinis to full body coverage — the temptation to fulfill the physical sex drive will mark us as alive-creatures. It’s what perpetuates a growing population.
So does it really matter what I wear or don’t wear? I mean, if the temptation will still be there regardless of what I have on, should I even care about being modest, especially if I have a firm, non-freckly body that looks great in a bikini? Which, for the record, I don’t.
I’ve gone round and round in my mind with God on this. And here’s where I land every time. Ultimately, even what I choose to wear is a heart issue. You and I aren’t the Judge. My lines or laws regarding what to wear aren’t what gives me or anyone else righteousness.
I could be as Pharisee as they come — missing the point of love and grace — while wearing a turtleneck to the beach. And what good is that, except to prove how modest I am and to sweat profusely.
But if I’m wearing near-nothing with an underlying intention of wanting someone to notice and affirm my beauty because I’m so insecure with who I am, then that’s a whole other heart issue — one of seeking life and affirmation from this world rather than from my Creator.
Everything comes down to the heart — us individually before God. And any righteousness I claim is only because of Jesus. It will never come from what I wear or don’t wear.
As it is written: “None is righteous, no, not one;
no one understands; no one seeks for God…” (Romans 3:10-11)But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it – the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe… (Romans 3:21-22)
For what does the Scripture say? “Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness. ” (Romans 4:3)
We’re made righteous by faith in Jesus alone.
That said, I do think modesty has its place. I partly know because I asked my husband, “Does it really matter what women wear? I mean, is the temptation to lust really affected by clothing.” His response, “Ummm, yeah.”
Being that I’ve walked beside a number of Christian brothers who struggle to even come to church on Sunday mornings because of the clothes that women wear (or don’t wear), yeah, I do think modesty has its place. I think it’s only respectful and helpful to be conscious of what I’m putting on so that I’m not a stumbling block to a brother who wants to worship without seeing my (non)cleavage.
I mean, I wouldn’t drink a glass of wine in front of a friend who has battled alcoholism. Or smoke crack around a recovering crack-addict. OK I plan to never smoke crack regardless of who’s around but... My point is that I can either help or hurt those who may be battling with lust. And considering the number of emails I get each week about homes crumbling because of lustful addictions, there’s no telling how many people sitting next to us on the pews live in pits of defeat because they haven’t been able to grasp true freedom.
I know. I know that we’re each responsible for our own choices. I know that the way I dress — modest or not — can’t ultimately be what rescues the people around me from lust. But I also know that as much as depends upon me, I don’t want to instigate a struggle. I don’t want to perpetuate the problem.
Bottom line, I want God to use me to glorify Himself. I want to help my brothers and sisters in Christ to honor Jesus. And I never want to be found judging others because of their clothing choices when everything comes down to the heart.
Lines or rules are fine as long as we know that they will never make us righteous. And as long as we know that our lines and rules, specifically on the grey areas of life like bathing suits, may be different from the lines and rules of those beside us.
Only One sees the heart. Only One knows whether or not you or I are walking this life in freedom; or if we’re walking in bondage to lust or insecurity.
So I pray we get before our God — one on one — and ask Him to reveal our heart, even regarding our clothing choices. Because only He sees the heart. And in the end, it’s my heart — it’s your heart — before Him alone.
Fill me, Lord…
I’m curious. How have you wrestled with this? What are your thoughts on the issue?
my husband tells me that my clothes matter. so very much like my clothes to touch me because it feels safe. i don’t know why it feels safe, but it does (and turtlenecks? every. day. in the winter) but chris really doesn’t like for me to wear the tight t-shirts that feel so safe. and i have to fight not to get mad. i defer to him because he is the man-who-knows-these-things. and i set aside what i want so that no brother will stumble. and this is huge for me because i believe that i am a mousy, ugly, no-man-would-give-me-a-first-glance girl.
what’s great about me learning this lesson from my husband is that i can pass it on to the middle school girls i teach….
I’m so like that — about clothes touching me. I’ve never thought about it as feeling safe but maybe that’s it. Ha. I’m sure that God is using you to speak into the lives of those young girls. I was so insecure in middle school. I pray your girls grasp the truth of identity in Christ.
I’m glad you wrote this Lara. I really believe it is a heart issue. And while I do think we owe a certain responsibility to protect our brothers, I’m afraid all of our emphasis on protecting them can often make our girls feel ashamed of their beauty, like it’s dirty or wrong in some way. I have two precious little boys…and I do wish the mamas out there would be more aware of how what they let their daughters wear affects my future men. But, as you said, the real issue is the heart. Try as I might (and I’ve spent quite a bit of time thinking about this), I can only think of one reason for a girl to wear an itsy bitsy…to be seen and noticed because of her body.
I begged my parents for most of my childhood to let me wear a bikini, but they never let me. Why? Because the emphasis in our home was that it didn’t do any good to be pretty on the outside if you weren’t pretty on the inside—inner beauty. True inner beauty bursts out of the body its in regardless of what’s currently covering it.
Thank you Brooke for your comment. There is this idea that girls should feel ashamed of their bodies. I also hate how it feels like all of the responsibility is on girls, not guys. I believe that girls have responsibility, but so do guys.
I love that you brought out the point about causing our girls to feel shame about their beauty. It can absolutely err in that direction and I pray we don’t raise a generation of young women ashamed of how God created them beautiful — even externally. So complex. I pray that we would ultimately raise a generation — boys and girls — to seek hard and continually after their God for direction on any and every decision. He’s so good and only wants good things for us. Freedom for us. Blessings, sister.
I taught my now 40 yr old. daughter something when she was becoming a young woman and I think it still holds true. If Jesus( in the flesh) was accompanying you, would you feel comfortable being with Him dressed the way you are? He is with us ….. All the time even though we don’t always act like it!!
Excellent post. My husband often tells me, “You don’t know how men think!” I’ve learned through the years to consider his ideas on what’s appropriate to wear from a man’s viewpoint. Sometimes it’s a bit of a challenge to find modest, pretty clothes, especially for a non-perfect form, but it can be done. Thanks for tackling this topic. God bless!
I know what you mean about finding modest and pretty clothes. Honestly I love fashion. I enjoy expressing my personality through fashion so it’s definitely a challenge at times to find things but you’re right. It can be done. Blessings, Nina!
Oh, this is such a tough one. Last summer I led a group of high school kids on a missions trip to Italy where, one day, we had a pool party with a group of Italian kids. No one–NO ONE–in Italy wears one-piece bathing suits. Not even a tankini! It’s just a cultural thing to wear a bikini. So when our kids showed up in one-piece suits (it’s our church policy to wear one-piece bathing suits at church events), the Italians thought it was really, really weird. I spent a long time talking to one of their leaders who was just trying to figure it out. 🙂
Still, I think it’s really important to wrestle with this, especially as we walk as brothers and sisters in Christ, as you said, Lara. As a mom to three daughters, it’s been difficult, uncomfortable at times, and also very rewarding to keep talking through these issues.
(For what it’s worth, I wrote about modesty a couple of years ago and got the biggest response to a post on my blog ever. It’s a hot topic! http://www.shellywildman.net/2011/03/how-your-daughter-dresses-matters.html)
Sorry, the link doesn’t work, but you get the idea. 🙂
Shelly, you touched on an aspect I wanted to include in this post, but I was already getting long-winded so I didn’t. But the aspect of culture. What is “appropriate” or “modest” in our culture or even in church culture may not be appropriate in another culture. I think that’s what Paul meant when he said to be all things to all people. Not offending for the sake of offending or “freedom.” It’s a tough topic. One that can only be discerned by following His lead.
Excellent post Lara. It is a heart issue. We women shouldn’t look at it as our responsibility to protect those with lustful desires by dressing modestly….we should look at it as an opportunity to protect ourselves. No matter how any woman may try to cover this up, if she is wearing skimpy clothes shes searching. She’s searching for something whether it be attention, affirmation, validation etc. we don’t need the wrong men affirming us.
When I attended the great.big.church I served in the baptism ministry. We furnished big, navy-blue t-shirts (a keepsake, with a baptism theme) and loaner big, dark blue gym shorts for people to wear in the baptistry.
I remember one very fit, 40ish woman who took the t-shirt I offered, but shook her head when I handed her a pair of shorts, explaining she’d brought her own.
She emerged from the restroom “changing room” in spandex shorts with the ti-shirt tied in a knot over her rib cage.
Everyone has her own idea of beauty, that’s for sure!
I think that especially with teens and young women, the enticement is not so much to draw attention as it is to be part of the crowd, following the “fashion.”
Really good to think about. God blessed me w/a “glimpse” into the way he wired males years ago… when a 5 year old boy asked me – using 5 year old words! – why boys get an erection when they see women’s breasts…. (It’s shocking what the human brain can process/wonder in a split second!)The answer to what brought about that physical response – in a 5 year old who didn’t even understand what was happening? “It happens to me during swimming lessons when the HS team walks by… There’s a girl with long brown hair…” (And, ladies. these girls were wearing swim team Speedo suits – that cover everything!)
Men – BOYS! – are wired different. Totally!
You are SO right, Diana. That whole Mars and Venus analogy, it’s true.
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